​A few months back I wrote of global warming, weather bombs, and how they affect Distance Families. New Zealand had recently experienced unprecedented weather disasters and recovery is still a long way off. Global warming has created uncertainty for many affected by globalisation.

At the end of July, world headlines reported the hottest month recorded in both the Northern Hemisphere and Southern Hemisphere. Rising temperatures affect Distance Families as well.

When moving permanently to a new location, our bodies adjust over time to the local temperatures. But when you’re temporarily thrown into extreme weather on a vacation, for example visiting family, it can be overwhelming.

Coming from New Zealand’s temperate climate, I don’t cope well with intense heat. A few years ago I spent a couple of months in the southern states of the U.S. in June and July. I saw locals clad in jeans, while I was expiring in my coolest sun dress. I vowed and declared I would never again visit the U.S. during those months.

I've maintained I'd be unwise to visit my son and daughter-in-law in Chicago during their winter due to a lack of experience with snow and ice. Reducing the risk of an accident and ending up in a hospital is a top priority. However, an impending grandson's arrival in December is changing those plans. What a nice problem... I’ll need to be super careful.

So what are Distance Families left with? Perhaps just April & May and September to November, depending on where you’re travelling to. Even with open skies and lifted restrictions, Distance Families can struggle to connect in person because of extreme temperatures.

When families are separated by geography, who pays for expenses during visits, in either direction, can be tricky. There are many factors at play. But for sure no one wants to sit at home for every meal. We all want to get out, have fun and visit places together.

Should expenses be the exclusive responsibility of the highest earner or the one with the greatest discretionary income? Distance grandparents may know, for example, that the family of their son or daughter is struggling financially. Or it might be the other way around. Picking up the tab is one way to support family so visits are possible.
When my husband and I visit, or are visited, there are no hard and fast rules. Our children’s financial situations have fluctuated over the years. What we are grateful for is that we all share a common attitude towards money and spending.

The following has evolved and works well for our family, but there have been many exceptions as well.
Parents/grandparents/us·       We pay for our accommodation when we choose or need to be ‘off-site’ during visits. This gives us control of the standard, location and facilities.

·       We pay for what is of particular importance to us – for example, the costs associated with alone-time activities with individual family members.
·       If we’ve discussed in advance visiting certain attractions, we’ll arrive with some, but not all, pre-booked.
·       We tend to pay for a fair proportion of meals out for no other reason than my husband and is quick with the credit card. I regularly encourage him to allow space for others to gracefully make the move also.
Shared expenses·       Accommodation when we vacation together at another location
·       Every second supermarket visit
·       Every second fill at the petrol station

Sometimes, of course, things evolve organically. For example, when we visit our U.K. family, we usually holiday together somewhere. We started by sharing a chalet or apartment, but as the grandchildren grew older (and we grew older as well), we progressed to two separate units. There’s been no hard and fast rule about how the accommodation account is settled. Sometimes we’ve split the bill, sometimes we’ve paid the lot and other times our distance family has paid. The latter scenario doesn’t sit right with us, but on the other hand, we’ve done the travelling and invested in the airfares, so we need to allow them the opportunity to contribute. And they also get to choose where we go!

When our U.S.-based daughter visits or we visit her she is happy to keep what we call an ‘overs and unders’ tally. At times, for example, it is easier if she does a big supermarket shop for us all and fills up the car and we stay home and mind the grandkids. We’re happy for her to make an arbitrary decision about how the bill is split. We would have spent money on groceries and petrol at home so we don't even think of these as holiday expenses. On other occasions, and once again for the sake of convenience, we’ve initially covered a shared expense. At the end of the visit we check the ‘overs and unders’ and balance the books via reimbursement from one side or the other.

Money and families are tricky subjects at the best of times. What I have shared is what works for our distance family visits. What works for your family could be quite different.
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If there are grey areas, it pays to address them in advance, all the while remaining flexible that ‘how it worked’ last time, might be different for future visits.

​I am a loyal fan of Airbnb. In Being a Distance Grandparent I noted, “Airbnb has become a lifeline for Distance Grandparents preferring their own space. The platform offers ordinarily hard-to-find accommodation in non-touristic suburbs and neighbourhoods.” And the same works in reverse when the away family visit ‘home’ and can’t stay with their parents. Generally, you get more space and facilities for your dollar and if you’re staying for a while, that’s very helpful. Nothing has changed there.

However, my relationship with Airbnb has moved a little. Recently I’ve decided there are elements that don’t work well, especially when you’re travelling long haul. I am over searching for a key lock-box surrounded by many other key lock-boxes, all padlocked to a random fence, or dealing with owners letting apartments short-term in buildings that ban the arrangement. And there is nothing worse than arriving in the dark, searching for light switches and wading through a folder for the Wi-Fi code.

Friends recently recounted arriving in London after 30 hour’s flight travel. The vacation apartment owner inadvertently failed to email the security code. They sat on their suitcases in the street for over two hours sorting the problem. Thank goodness it was daytime.

In a News.com.au article Michael Johnson, interim CEO of the Accommodation Association of Australia, says, “[Travellers] are saying, let’s stay in a hotel where we don’t have to worry about anything, it gets taken care of”.
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Like Johnson I have decided that after a long haul flight I want to see a friendly face at a 24 hour reception. After a recent 21 hour journey with a 1am check in, I so appreciated how easy it was. Even if my intention is to stay at an Airbnb, I’ll book a hotel for one night to brace myself for the inevitable ‘journey of discovery’ that Airbnbs tend to be.

I like them for three reasons

1.     You’re holidaying on neutral territory – no one is the host
2.    If the grandkids are entertained, everyone is happy
3.    The grandparents can choose to have their own space by reserving separate accommodation

For 20+ years I have vacationed at resorts and complexes spread across three continents. Each resort differed in what was offered and included.

In Netherland, Germany Belgium, France, England and Ireland you’ll find Center Parcs. They’re all surrounded by nature and the great outdoors. The majority of cottages and accommodation are self-catering with restaurant options onsite. Each park features fantastic activities. I can recall indoor skiing in summer with real snow. They claim, “bored kids are completely unheard of at Center Parcs”.

In England, Wales and Scotland you’ll find Hoseasons parks. These are self-catering with some offering accommodation on canal boats. Many are geared up for winter stays with heated pools.
Club Med offers resorts all around the world – ideal for winter (skiing) and summer stays. No kitchen facilities because the resorts are all-inclusive in food, entertainment, Kids Club care, and even alcohol! Once you arrive and unpack you don’t want to leave. 

In Australia there's the popular all-inclusive Paradise Resort on the Gold Coast.
Here are article links to explore more… architecturaldigest, planetware, travelandleisure, FullSuitcase and Vacationist.

There is no doubt about it when you add up the cost, some are mouth-watering. What’s important to keep in mind though are all the normal living costs that won’t appear on all generations' credit card statements for the time you’re away. These add up and help offset the investment.

The added advantage of all-inclusive resorts like Club Med is that once you are there everyone puts their wallet away and there are no discussions about who pays for what.

Hints and tips

• Grandparents… arrive a day or so earlier and depart a day or two later, especially if you have to deal with jetlag. Give yourself time to become familiar with the layout of the resort - what is where and all the nooks and crannies. It can be overwhelming arriving when everyone else knows where they are going. If you aren’t as mobile request accommodation convenient to facilities and/or your family. Some of the resorts are spread over acres. During a stay in France, it took us half an hour to walk between our unit and our son and family. All good exercise, but in the heat of August - not so good. Incidentally, this resort offered hire bicycles. We didn’t pay attention and by the time we realised a bike would be useful they'd all been book out. It pays to do some homework beforehand.
• If it is feasible to bring all your beach gear and equipment, do so. However, if space is at a premium you can buy most things once you’re there, and can gift your purchases to other guests when it’s time to leave. They will love you for it.
• Sunscreen – bring heaps more than you imagine you need - some for the bathroom, some for the beach bag and spare. On our recent vacation sunscreen became a regular, repeat purchase from the boutique.
• Laundry – if your resort offers laundry facilities check out how you pay for it. During our last stay we required US$1 coins. Sounds simple? We live in a cashless society and we were tourists with reduced access to cash. The only change machine at the resort was empty. Reception couldn’t help until a staff member was available to drive the half hour to the closest bank and it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. Come prepared.
• If grandchildren are likely to stay over with you ask the parents to bring a second set of pyjamas and toothbrushes. On one hand, these things really don't matter for a few days but on the other hand, they contribute to a familiar bedtime routine. You certainly want to avoid late night, stressful to-ing and fro-ing between accommodation collecting these items.
• Kid’s Club – if there is one – use it. Don’t be a martyr to parenting and grandparenting. Grandparents, give yourself time to recharge because you’ll be more engaged when you’ve had downtime.
• You’ll find you’re texting each other all the time to keep in touch about what’s happening and who is going where etc. If technology isn’t your thing, you’d be wise to brush up your skills so texting is second nature. Also, bring a zip-lock bag for your phone or consider purchasing a water-proof holder if you'll be around water a lot.
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My last hint is to have realistic expectations. Grumpy toddlers and children still complain and get upset even when they're in paradise. Your family will be no different. There will be times, in the heat of the moment when you wonder if it was all a good idea. However, looking back on the many photos you’ll remember how easy it was, on so many levels to create family memories.

​On a visit to South Africa a few years back I talked with a local woman who complained she couldn’t phone her elderly, New Zealand-based father whenever she felt like it. He’d chosen to leave his African homeland, and she saw it as her right to speak with him whenever she was inclined. It didn’t matter if it was early morning or late at night in New Zealand.

My research informed me that well-functioning South African Distance Families are ‘bookers’. In other words, they proactively create soft communication routines that all parties agree on.
Knowing the family dynamics back in New Zealand and how troublesome the random calls were, I gently suggested she become a ‘booker’. She wasn’t impressed.

What is a 'booker'?

One solution to Distance Family communication dilemmas, especially if you’re the away generation with children, is to embrace the role of Communication Traffic Officer and become a ‘booker’. Imagine yourself standing in the centre of an intersection, fully conversant with time zone restrictions and deciding who can drive (or talk) and when. Expats and migrants may resent this responsibility, but the advantage is that you’re in control, and that’s a handy place to be. All parties are talking at times that suit them. If family from afar experience an urge to ring you at what could be an inconvenient time for you, they’re less likely to do so if they know they’re ‘booked’ to talk in a day or two.
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Of course, all chat routines don’t have to be regimented. I’m also a fan of random potluck calls. In fairness, I receive more than I make because our family are 'bookers', but either way, each party knows that if the time isn’t right to speak up. Random potluck calls are my Distance Families bonus extra.

Are you an expat or migrant? 

Do your distance parents and/or grandparents cause you guilt... because you live abroad? 

This is a common dynamic within distance families, but there's a way to improve the outcome.

The key to reducing showered-upon guilt has three elements:

• Create awareness in your parents/grandparents of what they are saying, and the harm it is causing
• The need for their acceptance of your distance family situation, because it is the right thing to do
• Your acknowledgement, to them, of their loss

I talk more about each element in Being a Distance Grandparent – a book for ALL Generations. Do the following excerpts from my book sound familiar to your family dynamics?

​It’s not so much about what distance parents and grandparents say to themselves – it’s what they verbalise to their distance family. It's what I call, The 3 H’s: the Language of Progressive Acceptance of Distance Grandparenting. When acceptance hasn't found a home yet, often its progress can be monitored by language.

​Once at a place of acceptance, the minds of parents and grandparents do not buzz with resentful judgement. It’s easier to be inventive about creative ways of connecting and, let’s face it... it's better for their well-being not to resist, what is. 

When a distance grandmother friend of mine read The 3 H’s she said, “I needed to read that.” Immediately she changed the way she communicated with her distance family. I hope 'The 3 H's' can do the same for your family.

If you’d like to improve this distance family dynamic and lessen the guilt of living abroad then here is my top tip: 

Read a copy of Being a Distance Grandparent – a Book for ALL Generations to help you understand the dynamic from all perspectives. Then, give a copy to your parents/grandparents with perhaps a short message that reads something like this, ‘I just read this book and now I get it. I understand your perspective. I hope you enjoy it too’.

​A key secret of successful, thriving geographically distanced family relationships is responsive, intentional communication – from both directions.

Distance grandparents sometimes grumble they don’t always hear back from family when texting or emailing. Regular communications with no responses are common in some families. I hear grandparents say, “They seem to have mislaid the ‘reply’ button”. When grandparents’ messages appear to be ignored, unsettled emotions make themselves at home.

The grandparent generation was raised on the importance of old-fashioned courtesies and as a general rule reply promptly to answerphone messages, emails and texts. Ignoring an incoming mobile phone call goes against every bone in their body. They imagine this trait will pass to the next generations. Sometimes it does… sometimes it doesn’t.

Likewise, for example, when I FaceTime with my overseas daughter and young grandsons, and she asks them if they’d like to talk to me, their answer is sometimes a flat “no”, accompanied by funny, screwed-up faces.

There are so many ways of viewing these scenarios.

Family life is hectic for the abroad middle generation, and it is unreasonable for distance grandparents to expect timely responses to all communications.
OR
The distance family should make more effort and think about how it feels for the folks back home.

If the grandparents were busier, they wouldn’t be so bothered about the frequency or lack of communication.
OR
It's reasonable to expect the courtesy of timely responses to all communications.

Kids are kids and don’t be too sensitive.
OR
They should teach children to always be respectful.

None is all right. None is all wrong.

When I stay with my overseas family (or they stay with me) I am reminded how every day is so full. I have reflected on how they ever fit in communications with me in the first place.

From my experience and talking with other distance families, I’ve learned that a lack of response doesn’t mean they don’t love us. Right now, other stuff is happening, and their minds are elsewhere. The same communication issues could occur if they lived down the road.

Everyone has only so much capacity to spread themselves around. Overthinking at the grandparent end isn’t helpful while completely ignoring communications in the other direction isn’t ideal either.

Finding empathy for each other’s needs, along with a fair dose of ‘going with the flow’ and ‘give ‘n take’, makes for successful distance family communications and relations.

When you reflect about distance grandparenting, one’s thoughts gravitate to the ‘left behind kin’ - the parents and grandparents of families who had no say in the decision of their departing son or daughter.
There’s another group of distance grandparents where the people's movement pattern is in the opposite direction – the grandparents decide to move, often leaving behind previously geographically close adult children and grandchildren.

I have just returned from an epic, 7+ week, Northern Hemisphere Christmas/New Year holiday visiting distance children and grandchildren in Scotland and England and a three-week-old grandson in Chicago. When we landed in Chicago, a good dump of snow covered the city. We gingerly navigated the slushy, icy airport carpark all the time, avoiding a snow plow going about its business.

A couple of days later, we woke to an even heavier snow dump. Citizens must keep certain paths and laneways snow and ice-free, as best as they are able. Our son appreciated our offer to help but added a “by the way” that medical authorities report a high level of heart attacks from morning snow shoveling activities. We assured him our tickers were okay. Thus began my first experience of shoveling snow. As a New Zealander unaccustomed to winter wonderland scenes, this was a novelty. I was also treading carefully, acutely aware that any ice patch could have me slipping over, heading to an expensive hospital in search of a shiny new hip.

The next morning, we woke to another dump and once again donned coats, hats, scarves, and gloves and dutifully attended to the neighbourly task. This time, the novelty had worn off.

After decades of living through winters like this, I can well imagine the appeal for North American seniors of living in the likes of Florida and becoming ‘snowbirds’ with no more snow shoveling and all the challenges of extreme cold weather. But goes with this, the guilt of moving away from family, some of whom are supportive but most, are understandably less than impressed.

There’s a certain expectation that grandparents should prioritise being grandparents above all else, while their adult children don’t see being a constantly handy son or daughter as a priority. There can’t be one rule for one generation and a different rule for another. What’s ideal is a broad understanding that each generation does what’s best for them, at their stage in life, while the other generation works at accepting and making the most of the situation all the while supporting each other from afar.
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The PostScript to this story is if you are a distance grandparent and wish you could have more time with your overseas grandkids visit during their winter. The snowstorms caused the cancellation of our final return flight from Chicago, giving us a bonus extra 24 hours with bubs!

First published on LinkedIn, February 2024

A while back, life dished out a medical diagnosis I wasn’t expecting. “You have significant osteoarthritis and expect a couple of hip replacements”. My immediate reaction was one of disbelief. No one in my family has had a hip replacement and I am far too young. Like all these life events, in time, you accept the good with the bad. Other people receive much worse diagnoses. At least it explains all my aches and pains - why gardening has been so troublesome and as for cleaning the shower base, “Oh dear me”.

All this gets you thinking.

Is it time to reassess how I (and we) live and where I (and we) live? For the past ten years, our current home has been perfect. I have immersed myself in gardening and loved every minute. I have reached the dizzy heights of having a ‘show’ garden and being the organiser of a local Garden Ramble. Yes, I will get those hips sorted, but I have also concluded that this season of my life is no more and I am okay with that. I should probably replace mornings spent crouching and squeezing into garden nooks and crannies with a pleasant walk or a gentle swim at the pool.

Thus, entered new thoughts into my (our) life of other ways of living. No stairs would seem the logical way to go, and that led to considering an apartment. Long story short, that is what we’ve signed up to and we’re watching it being built.

In the meantime, we have a house to sell. The past few weeks have been an adventure. Long gone are the days of giving the house a quick vacuum and hammering a For Sale sign outside. Folk would say our house is perfect as it is, but the experts don’t agree. There’s the decluttering, depersonalizing, renting a storage unit, fixing the numerous previously hidden holes in the walls trying to get frames to align, and dealing with marks and scuffs. Every imperfection needs to be addressed. Your DIY skills, energy, time and budget determine what you can do yourself and how much you need to pay someone else to do. Then there are the basics of a deep clean, including the shower base. And don’t forget the house dressing with a zillion oversized cushions, a photographer, a videographer, and a drone camera operator. We’re days away from our first Open Home and I can stand back now and rightly feel proud but I know I wouldn’t want to do it again in a hurry.

So, what’s all this got to do with Distance Families?

As we’ve reconsidered how and where we live, we have simultaneously reconsidered how we use our ‘spare’ bedrooms in our new abode. The best quality, space-saving sofa bed costs thousands and even then looks pretty uncomfortable. Outcome: there will be no permanent guest beds in our new apartment. We will experiment and rent beds, as and when family visit. Why pay for real estate that sits idle with an imaginary Vacant sign for 49 weeks of the year? In the meantime, every square foot will be used to its max… as it suits us. Stay tuned for the outcome when the family visits down the track.
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P.S. So what about the photo? How dear these early autumn leaves litter my freshly mulched on-show garden!

In the last book of the Distance Families Book Series, ‘Being a Distance Grandchild – a Book for ALL Generations’, I highlight all the different circumstances that lead to a child being a Distance Grandchild.

Circumstances matter. Here’s just one…

"Adventure, love, or a mix of both often leads one parent to settle permanently in their partner’s country, far from their homeland. This is the reality for our three overseas-based children and, in reverse, for our Scottish son-in-law who moved to New Zealand. They are foreigners, courageously building a permanent home in a new land.
For most ‘in-country’ partners, life continues much as expected. Some are deeply aware of what their partner is adjusting to, while others may not fully grasp the challenges. For the ‘import,’ the journey can be tough and sometimes lonely. Every time they open their mouths, they are reminded they are foreigners in their own home. Many report they have become more conscious of their cultural identity living abroad than they ever were in their passport country.

Their children, meanwhile, grow up as fully-fledged locals, right down to their accents. In our family for example, one Distance Grandchild has a Scottish/Kiwi lilt, two speak with a cultured English accent, another two have a Southern American drawl, and no doubt, our newest grandson will pick up Chicago’s melting pot accent.

50/50 grandchildren understand, at least in theory, that they are ‘half something else.’ Some embrace this from an early age, while others are less curious. In their day-to-day lives, especially when young, the distant half of their heritage can feel foreign and hard to relate to. Their identity is naturally rooted in where they live—and that’s just fine. The migrant parent and distance grandparents often wish this ‘half something else’ played a bigger role in their narrative. However, that can change over time.

A significant milestone for these children is acquiring a second passport. All my Distance Grandchildren hold New Zealand passports, in addition to their US or UK ones. The last ones received them this week – a Red Letter Day. Not all countries allow dual citizenship, making this document an incredible gift. Young children delight in the novelty of having two passports, but it’s only as they grow older that they truly appreciate the doors it opens—whether it’s access to local tuition rates for university, free medical care when visiting, an easy Gap Year destination, or simply the privilege of choosing the faster immigration queue at every airport.”
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Excerpt from ‘Being a Distance Grandchild – a Book for ALL Generations’ available now.