​When my husband was a young man, he had a summer job as a postie. Each Christmas, the New Zealand Post Office recruited extra staff to cope with the flood of Christmas cards. During December it wasn't unusual to see two posties cycling together along the footpath—one carrying the regular mail, the other delivering Christmas cards.
 
Most adults have spent years opening the letterbox to find bills, bank statements and other routine mail. Today children rarely experience the excitement of finding an envelope with their own name on it. With so much communication now electronic, our grandchildren seldom receive mail through the post.
 
During my research I coined the phrase "Squirrelled-away Love Depositories." I discovered that distance grandchildren and distance grandparents treasure every piece of snail mail they receive. When I interviewed grandparents and adults who had grown up as distance grandchildren, most had letters, cards and postcards carefully stored away.
 
Grandparents, your handwritten words are opened at just the right moment, treasured and filed away in a special place.
 
If you're a distance grandchild, know that any letter, card or postcard you send to a grandparent will be stashed with pride.
 
And if you're an expat or migrant hoping to nurture this tradition with your children, make it easy. Keep postcards, stationery, postage stamps and airmail stickers on hand. The easier it is to write, the more likely it is to become a family habit.
 
In a world of instant messages and disappearing texts, the written word still has unique power. A letter can be read again years later and become a lasting reminder of love that distance cannot diminish.

First published in The Westerly 

​Over recent weeks, as we followed the FIFA World Cup, we were constantly reminded that some parts of the world say “football” while others say “soccer”.
 
Here in New Zealand, we comfortably call it soccer. Hearing the game referred to as football may sound slightly unfamiliar, but most of us understand that neither term is right nor wrong.
 
The same principle applies to Distance Families.
 
How does it feel as a Kiwi grandparent when your distance American grandchild refers to your daughter as “Mom” rather than “Mum”? It may seem like a small thing, but for many distance grandparents, these little differences carry surprising emotional weight.
 
My American-based daughter works hard to ensure her boys call her Mum because it remains an important part of her New Zealand identity—and ours. She has wholeheartedly embraced American life and culture, but this is one area where she chooses to hold on to her roots. I love hearing her sons say “Mum”.
 
The reverse happens too. My daughter searches high and low for birthday cards to send to me that say “Mum” instead of “Mom”. When a card arrives with the American spelling, I know she has done her best. I would never be upset.
 
Of course, it does not always work out that way. In many families, especially when the other parent is less conscious of preserving other’s linguistic traditions, local language norms naturally take over. “Mom” rolls effortlessly off young tongues travelling across the Pacific, often without any awareness that there is an alternative.
 
These are the small paper cuts of being a distance grandparent—moments that rarely register with others yet quietly remind us of the miles between us. They are not major problems, just gentle reminders that distance messes with family life in subtle and poignant ways.

First published in The Westerly

When expat or immigrant parents come from different linguistic and cultural backgrounds, they must decide early on which language(s) to use at home – and, importantly whether these include the grandparents’ language(s). Who will speak what, where and to whom? This practical consideration can generate much soul-searching.
 
Let’s consider the scenario where the native language of the grandparents is not the primary language of their grandchildren. Despite the many honourable and valid reasons for retaining the grandparents’ language, there are times when it has to be reluctantly dropped. For example:
 

• The parents believe that if children learn more than one language simultaneously, they won’t learn either one properly. Experts argue against this.
• The child dislikes learning and might go as far as putting their hands over their ears when a grandparents’ language is spoken.
• A parent who speaks the grandparents’ language travels with work so much that they simply aren’t home enough to teach the children.
• The parents find themselves losing their native language and struggle to pass it on.

 
When the only language spoken by distance grandparents is a ‘put-to-one-side’ language – one they don’t share with their grandchildren – it becomes extremely difficult for those relationships to truly flourish.
 
Speaking as a monolingual, foreign-language-challenged kiwi distance parent and grandparent, I would rather contend with every geographical hurdle we face – time zones, travel miles, opposite seasons, daylight saving and the International Date Line – than have any member of my family primarily speak a language I do not understand. Without that shared language, connecting from afar is so hard.
 
First published in The Westerly, July 2026

New Zealanders are famous for their “No. 8 wire” attitude — practical, resourceful and ready to give things a go. But that spirit isn’t unique to New Zealand. Around the world, millions of people move abroad each year without corporate relocation packages or well-resourced HR teams smoothing the way.

Unlike company-sponsored expats, these self-initiated migrants find the job themselves, sort the visas, organise schools and housing, navigate tax systems and health insurance, and somehow summon the courage to tell family and friends they’re moving overseas.

You can see the human side of this story at almost any international arrivals gate: families stepping into a new life with too many bags, tired children, and no one waiting to meet them. Some arrive chasing opportunity, others adventure, love, education or safety. All carry a mixture of hope, uncertainty and reinvention.

Research by Australian academic Dr Tracey Walmsley explored these self-initiated expats and found they tend to fall into three broad camps: the “Let’s just do it” adventurers, the “Where’s my safety net?” planners, and the careful risk-takers who weigh up every pro and con before making the leap.

But perhaps the most powerful idea in her work is what she calls the “silent risks” of moving. Not the visas or finances — the relationships. When a family moves overseas, it’s not just parents and children affected. Grandparents, siblings, in-laws and close friends feel the distance too. They miss birthdays, school performances, ordinary weekends, shared meals and the comfort of being part of each other’s daily lives.

For many families, migration creates a strange emotional tension: excitement and grief existing side by side. Modern technology helps — video calls across time zones, shared photo streams, voice messages and carefully planned visits — but it cannot fully replace physical presence. A child’s quick cuddle, an unexpected drop-in, or being there when someone needs help still matters deeply.

Chances are you know exactly what this feels like. In an increasingly mobile world, distance is woven into many of our stories. Yet so too is connection: the determination to remain part of one another’s lives despite borders, oceans and time zones.

Migration is often talked about in economic terms — skills, labour shortages, global talent and opportunity. But underneath those big conversations are deeply personal ones about belonging, identity, sacrifice and family. The people who move are not just workers or travellers. They are sons and daughters, grandparents and friends, building lives that stretch across countries while trying to hold relationships together from afar.

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Walmsley, T.M. (2022). Travelling Without an Anchor: Risks in Self-Initiated Expatriation (Doctoral thesis). University of Technology, Sydney. Available at: http://hdl.handle.net/10453/168571

​A few months back I wrote of global warming, weather bombs, and how they affect Distance Families. New Zealand had recently experienced unprecedented weather disasters and recovery is still a long way off. Global warming has created uncertainty for many affected by globalisation.

At the end of July, world headlines reported the hottest month recorded in both the Northern Hemisphere and Southern Hemisphere. Rising temperatures affect Distance Families as well.

When moving permanently to a new location, our bodies adjust over time to the local temperatures. But when you’re temporarily thrown into extreme weather on a vacation, for example visiting family, it can be overwhelming.

Coming from New Zealand’s temperate climate, I don’t cope well with intense heat. A few years ago I spent a couple of months in the southern states of the U.S. in June and July. I saw locals clad in jeans, while I was expiring in my coolest sun dress. I vowed and declared I would never again visit the U.S. during those months.

I've maintained I'd be unwise to visit my son and daughter-in-law in Chicago during their winter due to a lack of experience with snow and ice. Reducing the risk of an accident and ending up in a hospital is a top priority. However, an impending grandson's arrival in December is changing those plans. What a nice problem... I’ll need to be super careful.

So what are Distance Families left with? Perhaps just April & May and September to November, depending on where you’re travelling to. Even with open skies and lifted restrictions, Distance Families can struggle to connect in person because of extreme temperatures.

When families are separated by geography, who pays for expenses during visits, in either direction, can be tricky. There are many factors at play. But for sure no one wants to sit at home for every meal. We all want to get out, have fun and visit places together.

Should expenses be the exclusive responsibility of the highest earner or the one with the greatest discretionary income? Distance grandparents may know, for example, that the family of their son or daughter is struggling financially. Or it might be the other way around. Picking up the tab is one way to support family so visits are possible.
When my husband and I visit, or are visited, there are no hard and fast rules. Our children’s financial situations have fluctuated over the years. What we are grateful for is that we all share a common attitude towards money and spending.

The following has evolved and works well for our family, but there have been many exceptions as well.
Parents/grandparents/us·       We pay for our accommodation when we choose or need to be ‘off-site’ during visits. This gives us control of the standard, location and facilities.

·       We pay for what is of particular importance to us – for example, the costs associated with alone-time activities with individual family members.
·       If we’ve discussed in advance visiting certain attractions, we’ll arrive with some, but not all, pre-booked.
·       We tend to pay for a fair proportion of meals out for no other reason than my husband and is quick with the credit card. I regularly encourage him to allow space for others to gracefully make the move also.
Shared expenses·       Accommodation when we vacation together at another location
·       Every second supermarket visit
·       Every second fill at the petrol station

Sometimes, of course, things evolve organically. For example, when we visit our U.K. family, we usually holiday together somewhere. We started by sharing a chalet or apartment, but as the grandchildren grew older (and we grew older as well), we progressed to two separate units. There’s been no hard and fast rule about how the accommodation account is settled. Sometimes we’ve split the bill, sometimes we’ve paid the lot and other times our distance family has paid. The latter scenario doesn’t sit right with us, but on the other hand, we’ve done the travelling and invested in the airfares, so we need to allow them the opportunity to contribute. And they also get to choose where we go!

When our U.S.-based daughter visits or we visit her she is happy to keep what we call an ‘overs and unders’ tally. At times, for example, it is easier if she does a big supermarket shop for us all and fills up the car and we stay home and mind the grandkids. We’re happy for her to make an arbitrary decision about how the bill is split. We would have spent money on groceries and petrol at home so we don't even think of these as holiday expenses. On other occasions, and once again for the sake of convenience, we’ve initially covered a shared expense. At the end of the visit we check the ‘overs and unders’ and balance the books via reimbursement from one side or the other.

Money and families are tricky subjects at the best of times. What I have shared is what works for our distance family visits. What works for your family could be quite different.
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If there are grey areas, it pays to address them in advance, all the while remaining flexible that ‘how it worked’ last time, might be different for future visits.

​I am a loyal fan of Airbnb. In Being a Distance Grandparent I noted, “Airbnb has become a lifeline for Distance Grandparents preferring their own space. The platform offers ordinarily hard-to-find accommodation in non-touristic suburbs and neighbourhoods.” And the same works in reverse when the away family visit ‘home’ and can’t stay with their parents. Generally, you get more space and facilities for your dollar and if you’re staying for a while, that’s very helpful. Nothing has changed there.

However, my relationship with Airbnb has moved a little. Recently I’ve decided there are elements that don’t work well, especially when you’re travelling long haul. I am over searching for a key lock-box surrounded by many other key lock-boxes, all padlocked to a random fence, or dealing with owners letting apartments short-term in buildings that ban the arrangement. And there is nothing worse than arriving in the dark, searching for light switches and wading through a folder for the Wi-Fi code.

Friends recently recounted arriving in London after 30 hour’s flight travel. The vacation apartment owner inadvertently failed to email the security code. They sat on their suitcases in the street for over two hours sorting the problem. Thank goodness it was daytime.

In a News.com.au article Michael Johnson, interim CEO of the Accommodation Association of Australia, says, “[Travellers] are saying, let’s stay in a hotel where we don’t have to worry about anything, it gets taken care of”.
​
Like Johnson I have decided that after a long haul flight I want to see a friendly face at a 24 hour reception. After a recent 21 hour journey with a 1am check in, I so appreciated how easy it was. Even if my intention is to stay at an Airbnb, I’ll book a hotel for one night to brace myself for the inevitable ‘journey of discovery’ that Airbnbs tend to be.

I like them for three reasons

1.     You’re holidaying on neutral territory – no one is the host
2.    If the grandkids are entertained, everyone is happy
3.    The grandparents can choose to have their own space by reserving separate accommodation

For 20+ years I have vacationed at resorts and complexes spread across three continents. Each resort differed in what was offered and included.

In Netherland, Germany Belgium, France, England and Ireland you’ll find Center Parcs. They’re all surrounded by nature and the great outdoors. The majority of cottages and accommodation are self-catering with restaurant options onsite. Each park features fantastic activities. I can recall indoor skiing in summer with real snow. They claim, “bored kids are completely unheard of at Center Parcs”.

In England, Wales and Scotland you’ll find Hoseasons parks. These are self-catering with some offering accommodation on canal boats. Many are geared up for winter stays with heated pools.
Club Med offers resorts all around the world – ideal for winter (skiing) and summer stays. No kitchen facilities because the resorts are all-inclusive in food, entertainment, Kids Club care, and even alcohol! Once you arrive and unpack you don’t want to leave. 

In Australia there's the popular all-inclusive Paradise Resort on the Gold Coast.
Here are article links to explore more… architecturaldigest, planetware, travelandleisure, FullSuitcase and Vacationist.

There is no doubt about it when you add up the cost, some are mouth-watering. What’s important to keep in mind though are all the normal living costs that won’t appear on all generations' credit card statements for the time you’re away. These add up and help offset the investment.

The added advantage of all-inclusive resorts like Club Med is that once you are there everyone puts their wallet away and there are no discussions about who pays for what.

Hints and tips

• Grandparents… arrive a day or so earlier and depart a day or two later, especially if you have to deal with jetlag. Give yourself time to become familiar with the layout of the resort - what is where and all the nooks and crannies. It can be overwhelming arriving when everyone else knows where they are going. If you aren’t as mobile request accommodation convenient to facilities and/or your family. Some of the resorts are spread over acres. During a stay in France, it took us half an hour to walk between our unit and our son and family. All good exercise, but in the heat of August - not so good. Incidentally, this resort offered hire bicycles. We didn’t pay attention and by the time we realised a bike would be useful they'd all been book out. It pays to do some homework beforehand.
• If it is feasible to bring all your beach gear and equipment, do so. However, if space is at a premium you can buy most things once you’re there, and can gift your purchases to other guests when it’s time to leave. They will love you for it.
• Sunscreen – bring heaps more than you imagine you need - some for the bathroom, some for the beach bag and spare. On our recent vacation sunscreen became a regular, repeat purchase from the boutique.
• Laundry – if your resort offers laundry facilities check out how you pay for it. During our last stay we required US$1 coins. Sounds simple? We live in a cashless society and we were tourists with reduced access to cash. The only change machine at the resort was empty. Reception couldn’t help until a staff member was available to drive the half hour to the closest bank and it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. Come prepared.
• If grandchildren are likely to stay over with you ask the parents to bring a second set of pyjamas and toothbrushes. On one hand, these things really don't matter for a few days but on the other hand, they contribute to a familiar bedtime routine. You certainly want to avoid late night, stressful to-ing and fro-ing between accommodation collecting these items.
• Kid’s Club – if there is one – use it. Don’t be a martyr to parenting and grandparenting. Grandparents, give yourself time to recharge because you’ll be more engaged when you’ve had downtime.
• You’ll find you’re texting each other all the time to keep in touch about what’s happening and who is going where etc. If technology isn’t your thing, you’d be wise to brush up your skills so texting is second nature. Also, bring a zip-lock bag for your phone or consider purchasing a water-proof holder if you'll be around water a lot.
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My last hint is to have realistic expectations. Grumpy toddlers and children still complain and get upset even when they're in paradise. Your family will be no different. There will be times, in the heat of the moment when you wonder if it was all a good idea. However, looking back on the many photos you’ll remember how easy it was, on so many levels to create family memories.

​On a visit to South Africa a few years back I talked with a local woman who complained she couldn’t phone her elderly, New Zealand-based father whenever she felt like it. He’d chosen to leave his African homeland, and she saw it as her right to speak with him whenever she was inclined. It didn’t matter if it was early morning or late at night in New Zealand.

My research informed me that well-functioning South African Distance Families are ‘bookers’. In other words, they proactively create soft communication routines that all parties agree on.
Knowing the family dynamics back in New Zealand and how troublesome the random calls were, I gently suggested she become a ‘booker’. She wasn’t impressed.

What is a 'booker'?

One solution to Distance Family communication dilemmas, especially if you’re the away generation with children, is to embrace the role of Communication Traffic Officer and become a ‘booker’. Imagine yourself standing in the centre of an intersection, fully conversant with time zone restrictions and deciding who can drive (or talk) and when. Expats and migrants may resent this responsibility, but the advantage is that you’re in control, and that’s a handy place to be. All parties are talking at times that suit them. If family from afar experience an urge to ring you at what could be an inconvenient time for you, they’re less likely to do so if they know they’re ‘booked’ to talk in a day or two.
​
Of course, all chat routines don’t have to be regimented. I’m also a fan of random potluck calls. In fairness, I receive more than I make because our family are 'bookers', but either way, each party knows that if the time isn’t right to speak up. Random potluck calls are my Distance Families bonus extra.

Are you an expat or migrant? 

Do your distance parents and/or grandparents cause you guilt... because you live abroad? 

This is a common dynamic within distance families, but there's a way to improve the outcome.

The key to reducing showered-upon guilt has three elements:

• Create awareness in your parents/grandparents of what they are saying, and the harm it is causing
• The need for their acceptance of your distance family situation, because it is the right thing to do
• Your acknowledgement, to them, of their loss

I talk more about each element in Being a Distance Grandparent – a book for ALL Generations. Do the following excerpts from my book sound familiar to your family dynamics?

​It’s not so much about what distance parents and grandparents say to themselves – it’s what they verbalise to their distance family. It's what I call, The 3 H’s: the Language of Progressive Acceptance of Distance Grandparenting. When acceptance hasn't found a home yet, often its progress can be monitored by language.

​Once at a place of acceptance, the minds of parents and grandparents do not buzz with resentful judgement. It’s easier to be inventive about creative ways of connecting and, let’s face it... it's better for their well-being not to resist, what is. 

When a distance grandmother friend of mine read The 3 H’s she said, “I needed to read that.” Immediately she changed the way she communicated with her distance family. I hope 'The 3 H's' can do the same for your family.

If you’d like to improve this distance family dynamic and lessen the guilt of living abroad then here is my top tip: 

Read a copy of Being a Distance Grandparent – a Book for ALL Generations to help you understand the dynamic from all perspectives. Then, give a copy to your parents/grandparents with perhaps a short message that reads something like this, ‘I just read this book and now I get it. I understand your perspective. I hope you enjoy it too’.