When families are separated by geography, who pays for expenses during visits, in either direction, can be tricky. There are many factors at play. But for sure no one wants to sit at home for every meal. We all want to get out, have fun and visit places together.

Should expenses be the exclusive responsibility of the highest earner or the one with the greatest discretionary income? Distance grandparents may know, for example, that the family of their son or daughter is struggling financially. Or it might be the other way around. Picking up the tab is one way to support family so visits are possible.
When my husband and I visit, or are visited, there are no hard and fast rules. Our children’s financial situations have fluctuated over the years. What we are grateful for is that we all share a common attitude towards money and spending.

The following has evolved and works well for our family, but there have been many exceptions as well.
Parents/grandparents/us·       We pay for our accommodation when we choose or need to be ‘off-site’ during visits. This gives us control of the standard, location and facilities.

·       We pay for what is of particular importance to us – for example, the costs associated with alone-time activities with individual family members.
·       If we’ve discussed in advance visiting certain attractions, we’ll arrive with some, but not all, pre-booked.
·       We tend to pay for a fair proportion of meals out for no other reason than my husband and is quick with the credit card. I regularly encourage him to allow space for others to gracefully make the move also.
Shared expenses·       Accommodation when we vacation together at another location
·       Every second supermarket visit
·       Every second fill at the petrol station

Sometimes, of course, things evolve organically. For example, when we visit our U.K. family, we usually holiday together somewhere. We started by sharing a chalet or apartment, but as the grandchildren grew older (and we grew older as well), we progressed to two separate units. There’s been no hard and fast rule about how the accommodation account is settled. Sometimes we’ve split the bill, sometimes we’ve paid the lot and other times our distance family has paid. The latter scenario doesn’t sit right with us, but on the other hand, we’ve done the travelling and invested in the airfares, so we need to allow them the opportunity to contribute. And they also get to choose where we go!

When our U.S.-based daughter visits or we visit her she is happy to keep what we call an ‘overs and unders’ tally. At times, for example, it is easier if she does a big supermarket shop for us all and fills up the car and we stay home and mind the grandkids. We’re happy for her to make an arbitrary decision about how the bill is split. We would have spent money on groceries and petrol at home so we don't even think of these as holiday expenses. On other occasions, and once again for the sake of convenience, we’ve initially covered a shared expense. At the end of the visit we check the ‘overs and unders’ and balance the books via reimbursement from one side or the other.

Money and families are tricky subjects at the best of times. What I have shared is what works for our distance family visits. What works for your family could be quite different.
​
If there are grey areas, it pays to address them in advance, all the while remaining flexible that ‘how it worked’ last time, might be different for future visits.

Originally published on LinkedIn May 2021

Intergenerational families separated by geography constantly navigate the best ways to communicate. What’s more, not all communication is equal or effective. Let’s consider the different types of communication:

Light and Fluffy
Occasional texts, random photos or videos, and social media posts. Fun, but fleeting.

Day-to-Day Stuff
Updates on the day, administrative emails, and questions needing answers—practical but rarely nourishing.

Mediocre Encounters
A video call cut short by a crying child, a doorbell interruption, or a phone call. Normal interruptions that often end with, “We’ll try again another time.”

Rich Encounters
Pre-booked—or sometimes spontaneous—group or one-on-one calls when everyone is ready, time zones align, and conversation flows naturally. These calls leave everyone feeling refreshed, reconnected, and ready to thrive… until the next time.

Seven Strategies for Rich Encounters

1️⃣ You Can’t Ring a Two-Year-Old
Distance grandparents often leave initiating to the middle generation, especially with young children. It’s about timing, not willingness. Middle-generation children should take the lead in arranging communication.

2️⃣ Soft Routines vs. Random Potluck
Soft routines: Scheduled times for regular catch-ups.
Random potluck connections: Calls made hoping the other person is free.
Ask your distance family what works best—both have value.

3️⃣ Quality vs. Quantity
Do you prefer a multitasking setup with the laptop on the counter, or distraction-free attention to a call? Ask your family whether they value quality or quantity in communication.

4️⃣ Pretence: “We’re Fine”
Families sometimes hide how they really are. A deliberate “How are you?”—with a pause to listen—can encourage honesty and vulnerability. Patience is key; it may take a few tries.

5️⃣ Group vs. One-on-One
Group calls offer laughter and fun, but one-on-one calls create deeper connections. Encourage monthly one-on-one calls between grandchildren and grandparents—they will be cherished. Ask your family what they prefer.

6️⃣ Being on Stage
Many people dislike video calls but won’t admit it. Some hover in the background, avoiding the couch. Diversify communication: send texts or letters “just because” to maintain connection without pressure.

7️⃣ The Value of the Written Word
Letters and cards are treasured, opened, and savoured at the right moment. Young children may find them magical. Even with postage costs, a thoughtful card or letter is always worth it.

Rich encounters don’t happen by accident. They require intentionality, thoughtfulness, and creativity. By following these strategies, distance families can transform ordinary interactions into meaningful connections across any miles.