In the last book of the Distance Families Book Series, ‘Being a Distance Grandchild – a Book for ALL Generations’, I highlight all the different circumstances that lead to a child being a Distance Grandchild.

Circumstances matter. Here’s just one…

"Adventure, love, or a mix of both often leads one parent to settle permanently in their partner’s country, far from their homeland. This is the reality for our three overseas-based children and, in reverse, for our Scottish son-in-law who moved to New Zealand. They are foreigners, courageously building a permanent home in a new land.
For most ‘in-country’ partners, life continues much as expected. Some are deeply aware of what their partner is adjusting to, while others may not fully grasp the challenges. For the ‘import,’ the journey can be tough and sometimes lonely. Every time they open their mouths, they are reminded they are foreigners in their own home. Many report they have become more conscious of their cultural identity living abroad than they ever were in their passport country.

Their children, meanwhile, grow up as fully-fledged locals, right down to their accents. In our family for example, one Distance Grandchild has a Scottish/Kiwi lilt, two speak with a cultured English accent, another two have a Southern American drawl, and no doubt, our newest grandson will pick up Chicago’s melting pot accent.

50/50 grandchildren understand, at least in theory, that they are ‘half something else.’ Some embrace this from an early age, while others are less curious. In their day-to-day lives, especially when young, the distant half of their heritage can feel foreign and hard to relate to. Their identity is naturally rooted in where they live—and that’s just fine. The migrant parent and distance grandparents often wish this ‘half something else’ played a bigger role in their narrative. However, that can change over time.

A significant milestone for these children is acquiring a second passport. All my Distance Grandchildren hold New Zealand passports, in addition to their US or UK ones. The last ones received them this week – a Red Letter Day. Not all countries allow dual citizenship, making this document an incredible gift. Young children delight in the novelty of having two passports, but it’s only as they grow older that they truly appreciate the doors it opens—whether it’s access to local tuition rates for university, free medical care when visiting, an easy Gap Year destination, or simply the privilege of choosing the faster immigration queue at every airport.”
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Excerpt from ‘Being a Distance Grandchild – a Book for ALL Generations’ available now.

First published on LinkedIn August 2024

Researchers look for unknown facts, solutions to problems and answers to never-before-asked questions. Sometimes similar findings keep reappearing creating patterns of data. I am a researcher of families separated by geography. The behaviour, emotions, challenges and routines of Distance Families deliver me no shortage of data patterns.

One research response continuously reappears. I hear the same message everywhere. Also, the issue transcends nationalities, cultures and languages. It isn’t mind-blowingly complex. It doesn’t require specialist skills to master  – in fact, it is so ‘every day’, that when I share it with the potential ‘guilty’ parties I sometimes get looks of disbelief that I would spend my time talking about something so trivial. So what is it?

The No 1 complaint/problem/response I receive from the grandparent generation of distance families is, “Nobody says thank you”. The grandparents purchase presents, lovingly wrap them, and post them in time. They carefully research and creatively deliver gift vouchers to their recipients. Or grandparents deposit money in accounts. Often, they never receive a letter, text, call, or email.

Who are the guilty parties? Most times, and there are exceptions, it’s the middle-generation parents and their offspring — the grandchildren.

The grandparent generation grew up writing thank-you letters. It was non-negotiable and considered good manners. My parents would bring out a Croxley writing pad. They insisted letters were neat, and the envelopes addressed correctly. My siblings and I pride ourselves on being excellent letter writers. It all started with those thank-you letters.
Currently, I am in the middle of moving house. Sorting through papers, I found a letter I sent as a child living in New Zealand to my U.K. grandparents. I don’t know how it ended up back in my possession.

So what happens when a thank you note or message doesn’t appear? If you’re the grandparent living across oceans or continents, a general melancholy finds a home for a bit. You consider asking if the gift arrived okay, but most times, you quietly bury that thought. You’re sad about the grandchild’s thoughtlessness but even madder at their parent because you raised them. Grandparents don’t want to make a fuss because connection opportunities are limited and they don’t want to be a moaning parent/grandparent.

Thank-you notes or messages, in BOTH directions, fuel thriving Distance Families.

The Distance Family Thinking Pie is a symbolic reminder that each generation thinks about each other according to their own set of scales and this is okay. The slices of the Distance Family Thinking Pie vary between generations. Think of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

Distance Grandparents consume the biggest slice. They think about their distance children most, followed closely by thoughts of their distance grandchildren. They worry, they grieve, they feel the void: their distance family is constantly on their minds. When they wake up each morning one of their first thoughts will be, are there any messages overnight from the kids?

Distance sons and daughters think about their distance parents often, but not as frequently as their parents think about them in reverse. Theirs is a middle-size slice. Keeping with the same example, first thing in the morning, distance sons and daughters have a full to-do list. They don’t necessarily have time to ponder about their parents as they are rushing to get on with the day. There is only so much space, or ‘bandwidth’, as they would describe it.
The only time the size of the slice of The Distance Family Thinking Pie increases for the sons and daughters is when perhaps a parent is unwell and uncertainty about their future is a lingering concern. It is then the slice sizes of The Distance Family Thinking Pie are adjusted.

Distance grandchildren consume the smallest slice of The Distance Family Thinking Pie. Most distance grandchildren don’t constantly think about their distance grandparents, but it doesn’t mean they don’t care. Their brain space focuses, most of the time, on other things and that’s perfectly normal. Once again there are exceptions to the rule.
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The purpose of talking about The Distance Family Thinking Pie is not to critique each generation’s efforts. It is there for one purpose only: to highlight the reality that the quantity of distance family thinking varies between generations. This provides a context for realistic expectations of each other.

Originally published on LinkedIn May 2021

Intergenerational families separated by geography constantly navigate the best ways to communicate. What’s more, not all communication is equal or effective. Let’s consider the different types of communication:

Light and Fluffy
Occasional texts, random photos or videos, and social media posts. Fun, but fleeting.

Day-to-Day Stuff
Updates on the day, administrative emails, and questions needing answers—practical but rarely nourishing.

Mediocre Encounters
A video call cut short by a crying child, a doorbell interruption, or a phone call. Normal interruptions that often end with, “We’ll try again another time.”

Rich Encounters
Pre-booked—or sometimes spontaneous—group or one-on-one calls when everyone is ready, time zones align, and conversation flows naturally. These calls leave everyone feeling refreshed, reconnected, and ready to thrive… until the next time.

Seven Strategies for Rich Encounters

1️⃣ You Can’t Ring a Two-Year-Old
Distance grandparents often leave initiating to the middle generation, especially with young children. It’s about timing, not willingness. Middle-generation children should take the lead in arranging communication.

2️⃣ Soft Routines vs. Random Potluck
Soft routines: Scheduled times for regular catch-ups.
Random potluck connections: Calls made hoping the other person is free.
Ask your distance family what works best—both have value.

3️⃣ Quality vs. Quantity
Do you prefer a multitasking setup with the laptop on the counter, or distraction-free attention to a call? Ask your family whether they value quality or quantity in communication.

4️⃣ Pretence: “We’re Fine”
Families sometimes hide how they really are. A deliberate “How are you?”—with a pause to listen—can encourage honesty and vulnerability. Patience is key; it may take a few tries.

5️⃣ Group vs. One-on-One
Group calls offer laughter and fun, but one-on-one calls create deeper connections. Encourage monthly one-on-one calls between grandchildren and grandparents—they will be cherished. Ask your family what they prefer.

6️⃣ Being on Stage
Many people dislike video calls but won’t admit it. Some hover in the background, avoiding the couch. Diversify communication: send texts or letters “just because” to maintain connection without pressure.

7️⃣ The Value of the Written Word
Letters and cards are treasured, opened, and savoured at the right moment. Young children may find them magical. Even with postage costs, a thoughtful card or letter is always worth it.

Rich encounters don’t happen by accident. They require intentionality, thoughtfulness, and creativity. By following these strategies, distance families can transform ordinary interactions into meaningful connections across any miles.