​A key secret of successful, thriving geographically distanced family relationships is responsive, intentional communication – from both directions.

Distance grandparents sometimes grumble they don’t always hear back from family when texting or emailing. Regular communications with no responses are common in some families. I hear grandparents say, “They seem to have mislaid the ‘reply’ button”. When grandparents’ messages appear to be ignored, unsettled emotions make themselves at home.

The grandparent generation was raised on the importance of old-fashioned courtesies and as a general rule reply promptly to answerphone messages, emails and texts. Ignoring an incoming mobile phone call goes against every bone in their body. They imagine this trait will pass to the next generations. Sometimes it does… sometimes it doesn’t.

Likewise, for example, when I FaceTime with my overseas daughter and young grandsons, and she asks them if they’d like to talk to me, their answer is sometimes a flat “no”, accompanied by funny, screwed-up faces.

There are so many ways of viewing these scenarios.

Family life is hectic for the abroad middle generation, and it is unreasonable for distance grandparents to expect timely responses to all communications.
OR
The distance family should make more effort and think about how it feels for the folks back home.

If the grandparents were busier, they wouldn’t be so bothered about the frequency or lack of communication.
OR
It's reasonable to expect the courtesy of timely responses to all communications.

Kids are kids and don’t be too sensitive.
OR
They should teach children to always be respectful.

None is all right. None is all wrong.

When I stay with my overseas family (or they stay with me) I am reminded how every day is so full. I have reflected on how they ever fit in communications with me in the first place.

From my experience and talking with other distance families, I’ve learned that a lack of response doesn’t mean they don’t love us. Right now, other stuff is happening, and their minds are elsewhere. The same communication issues could occur if they lived down the road.

Everyone has only so much capacity to spread themselves around. Overthinking at the grandparent end isn’t helpful while completely ignoring communications in the other direction isn’t ideal either.

Finding empathy for each other’s needs, along with a fair dose of ‘going with the flow’ and ‘give ‘n take’, makes for successful distance family communications and relations.

When you reflect about distance grandparenting, one’s thoughts gravitate to the ‘left behind kin’ - the parents and grandparents of families who had no say in the decision of their departing son or daughter.
There’s another group of distance grandparents where the people's movement pattern is in the opposite direction – the grandparents decide to move, often leaving behind previously geographically close adult children and grandchildren.

I have just returned from an epic, 7+ week, Northern Hemisphere Christmas/New Year holiday visiting distance children and grandchildren in Scotland and England and a three-week-old grandson in Chicago. When we landed in Chicago, a good dump of snow covered the city. We gingerly navigated the slushy, icy airport carpark all the time, avoiding a snow plow going about its business.

A couple of days later, we woke to an even heavier snow dump. Citizens must keep certain paths and laneways snow and ice-free, as best as they are able. Our son appreciated our offer to help but added a “by the way” that medical authorities report a high level of heart attacks from morning snow shoveling activities. We assured him our tickers were okay. Thus began my first experience of shoveling snow. As a New Zealander unaccustomed to winter wonderland scenes, this was a novelty. I was also treading carefully, acutely aware that any ice patch could have me slipping over, heading to an expensive hospital in search of a shiny new hip.

The next morning, we woke to another dump and once again donned coats, hats, scarves, and gloves and dutifully attended to the neighbourly task. This time, the novelty had worn off.

After decades of living through winters like this, I can well imagine the appeal for North American seniors of living in the likes of Florida and becoming ‘snowbirds’ with no more snow shoveling and all the challenges of extreme cold weather. But goes with this, the guilt of moving away from family, some of whom are supportive but most, are understandably less than impressed.

There’s a certain expectation that grandparents should prioritise being grandparents above all else, while their adult children don’t see being a constantly handy son or daughter as a priority. There can’t be one rule for one generation and a different rule for another. What’s ideal is a broad understanding that each generation does what’s best for them, at their stage in life, while the other generation works at accepting and making the most of the situation all the while supporting each other from afar.
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The PostScript to this story is if you are a distance grandparent and wish you could have more time with your overseas grandkids visit during their winter. The snowstorms caused the cancellation of our final return flight from Chicago, giving us a bonus extra 24 hours with bubs!

First published on LinkedIn, February 2024

A while back, life dished out a medical diagnosis I wasn’t expecting. “You have significant osteoarthritis and expect a couple of hip replacements”. My immediate reaction was one of disbelief. No one in my family has had a hip replacement and I am far too young. Like all these life events, in time, you accept the good with the bad. Other people receive much worse diagnoses. At least it explains all my aches and pains - why gardening has been so troublesome and as for cleaning the shower base, “Oh dear me”.

All this gets you thinking.

Is it time to reassess how I (and we) live and where I (and we) live? For the past ten years, our current home has been perfect. I have immersed myself in gardening and loved every minute. I have reached the dizzy heights of having a ‘show’ garden and being the organiser of a local Garden Ramble. Yes, I will get those hips sorted, but I have also concluded that this season of my life is no more and I am okay with that. I should probably replace mornings spent crouching and squeezing into garden nooks and crannies with a pleasant walk or a gentle swim at the pool.

Thus, entered new thoughts into my (our) life of other ways of living. No stairs would seem the logical way to go, and that led to considering an apartment. Long story short, that is what we’ve signed up to and we’re watching it being built.

In the meantime, we have a house to sell. The past few weeks have been an adventure. Long gone are the days of giving the house a quick vacuum and hammering a For Sale sign outside. Folk would say our house is perfect as it is, but the experts don’t agree. There’s the decluttering, depersonalizing, renting a storage unit, fixing the numerous previously hidden holes in the walls trying to get frames to align, and dealing with marks and scuffs. Every imperfection needs to be addressed. Your DIY skills, energy, time and budget determine what you can do yourself and how much you need to pay someone else to do. Then there are the basics of a deep clean, including the shower base. And don’t forget the house dressing with a zillion oversized cushions, a photographer, a videographer, and a drone camera operator. We’re days away from our first Open Home and I can stand back now and rightly feel proud but I know I wouldn’t want to do it again in a hurry.

So, what’s all this got to do with Distance Families?

As we’ve reconsidered how and where we live, we have simultaneously reconsidered how we use our ‘spare’ bedrooms in our new abode. The best quality, space-saving sofa bed costs thousands and even then looks pretty uncomfortable. Outcome: there will be no permanent guest beds in our new apartment. We will experiment and rent beds, as and when family visit. Why pay for real estate that sits idle with an imaginary Vacant sign for 49 weeks of the year? In the meantime, every square foot will be used to its max… as it suits us. Stay tuned for the outcome when the family visits down the track.
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P.S. So what about the photo? How dear these early autumn leaves litter my freshly mulched on-show garden!

First published on LinkedIn August 2024

Researchers look for unknown facts, solutions to problems and answers to never-before-asked questions. Sometimes similar findings keep reappearing creating patterns of data. I am a researcher of families separated by geography. The behaviour, emotions, challenges and routines of Distance Families deliver me no shortage of data patterns.

One research response continuously reappears. I hear the same message everywhere. Also, the issue transcends nationalities, cultures and languages. It isn’t mind-blowingly complex. It doesn’t require specialist skills to master  – in fact, it is so ‘every day’, that when I share it with the potential ‘guilty’ parties I sometimes get looks of disbelief that I would spend my time talking about something so trivial. So what is it?

The No 1 complaint/problem/response I receive from the grandparent generation of distance families is, “Nobody says thank you”. The grandparents purchase presents, lovingly wrap them, and post them in time. They carefully research and creatively deliver gift vouchers to their recipients. Or grandparents deposit money in accounts. Often, they never receive a letter, text, call, or email.

Who are the guilty parties? Most times, and there are exceptions, it’s the middle-generation parents and their offspring — the grandchildren.

The grandparent generation grew up writing thank-you letters. It was non-negotiable and considered good manners. My parents would bring out a Croxley writing pad. They insisted letters were neat, and the envelopes addressed correctly. My siblings and I pride ourselves on being excellent letter writers. It all started with those thank-you letters.
Currently, I am in the middle of moving house. Sorting through papers, I found a letter I sent as a child living in New Zealand to my U.K. grandparents. I don’t know how it ended up back in my possession.

So what happens when a thank you note or message doesn’t appear? If you’re the grandparent living across oceans or continents, a general melancholy finds a home for a bit. You consider asking if the gift arrived okay, but most times, you quietly bury that thought. You’re sad about the grandchild’s thoughtlessness but even madder at their parent because you raised them. Grandparents don’t want to make a fuss because connection opportunities are limited and they don’t want to be a moaning parent/grandparent.

Thank-you notes or messages, in BOTH directions, fuel thriving Distance Families.

The Distance Family Thinking Pie is a symbolic reminder that each generation thinks about each other according to their own set of scales and this is okay. The slices of the Distance Family Thinking Pie vary between generations. Think of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

Distance Grandparents consume the biggest slice. They think about their distance children most, followed closely by thoughts of their distance grandchildren. They worry, they grieve, they feel the void: their distance family is constantly on their minds. When they wake up each morning one of their first thoughts will be, are there any messages overnight from the kids?

Distance sons and daughters think about their distance parents often, but not as frequently as their parents think about them in reverse. Theirs is a middle-size slice. Keeping with the same example, first thing in the morning, distance sons and daughters have a full to-do list. They don’t necessarily have time to ponder about their parents as they are rushing to get on with the day. There is only so much space, or ‘bandwidth’, as they would describe it.
The only time the size of the slice of The Distance Family Thinking Pie increases for the sons and daughters is when perhaps a parent is unwell and uncertainty about their future is a lingering concern. It is then the slice sizes of The Distance Family Thinking Pie are adjusted.

Distance grandchildren consume the smallest slice of The Distance Family Thinking Pie. Most distance grandchildren don’t constantly think about their distance grandparents, but it doesn’t mean they don’t care. Their brain space focuses, most of the time, on other things and that’s perfectly normal. Once again there are exceptions to the rule.
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The purpose of talking about The Distance Family Thinking Pie is not to critique each generation’s efforts. It is there for one purpose only: to highlight the reality that the quantity of distance family thinking varies between generations. This provides a context for realistic expectations of each other.

As a researcher and author, I’ve spent years exploring the lives of families separated by geography, and one thing is clear: distance stirs up a wide range of emotions that sit just below the surface for most of us. Whether it’s longing, love, pride, or worry, these feelings don’t always show—but they’re there, ready to spill over at unexpected moments.
I remember the day a neighbour handed me her six-week-old baby to hold. As I cradled that tiny bundle, I felt a rush of emotion as thoughts of my new faraway grandson flooded in. For a moment, I couldn’t hold back the tears. It reminded me that even when we place those feelings on a mental “shelf,” they’re never far from reach.
When people learn that I am an author and write about families separated by geography, their responses often surprise me. I’ve seen total strangers—a shop assistant, a fellow traveller, someone I’ve just met—suddenly tear up and pour out their distance family story. There’s something universally moving about being separated from loved ones. These emotions—homesickness, love, grief, pride, and even guilt—are all rooted in a deep desire to stay connected.
But here’s the good news: intergenerational distance families who are intentional about connecting can thrive. Staying close across continents is possible! While distance can sometimes feel like a barrier, families that nurture a genuine understanding of each other's lives across miles find a strength that’s hard to break.
And here’s one of the most rewarding ways to keep those bonds strong: cultivate a real hunger to understand “how it is” for the other. What does that mean? Well, while you intimately know what it’s like to be an expat in a new country, or a grandparent back home, how often do you consider the unique challenges your family members face on their side of the world?
So much goes unspoken in distance families, simply because:

• The family back home doesn’t want to cause worry
• The “away” generation doesn’t want to be seen complaining because most times they chose to leave
• And the grandchildren, after all, never chose where they live

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If you’re a migrant or expat what might come of asking your folks back home, “How does it feel to see grandparents collecting grandchildren at the school gate?” Or if you’re the grandparent at home ask your away son or daughter, “How are you adjusting to the culture at work?” or enquiring of your grandkids, “What’s it like to have an accent that stands out?”
One of my favourite mantras is: “With understanding comes empathy, and empathy is gold for distance families.” Even if these questions are hard to ask, always look beyond your own situation and imagine what life might be like from their perspective. It’s an exercise that deepens understanding, strengthens empathy, and enriches the bonds that hold our families together—across any distance.

Originally published on LinkedIn May 2021

Intergenerational families separated by geography constantly navigate the best ways to communicate. What’s more, not all communication is equal or effective. Let’s consider the different types of communication:

Light and Fluffy
Occasional texts, random photos or videos, and social media posts. Fun, but fleeting.

Day-to-Day Stuff
Updates on the day, administrative emails, and questions needing answers—practical but rarely nourishing.

Mediocre Encounters
A video call cut short by a crying child, a doorbell interruption, or a phone call. Normal interruptions that often end with, “We’ll try again another time.”

Rich Encounters
Pre-booked—or sometimes spontaneous—group or one-on-one calls when everyone is ready, time zones align, and conversation flows naturally. These calls leave everyone feeling refreshed, reconnected, and ready to thrive… until the next time.

Seven Strategies for Rich Encounters

1️⃣ You Can’t Ring a Two-Year-Old
Distance grandparents often leave initiating to the middle generation, especially with young children. It’s about timing, not willingness. Middle-generation children should take the lead in arranging communication.

2️⃣ Soft Routines vs. Random Potluck
Soft routines: Scheduled times for regular catch-ups.
Random potluck connections: Calls made hoping the other person is free.
Ask your distance family what works best—both have value.

3️⃣ Quality vs. Quantity
Do you prefer a multitasking setup with the laptop on the counter, or distraction-free attention to a call? Ask your family whether they value quality or quantity in communication.

4️⃣ Pretence: “We’re Fine”
Families sometimes hide how they really are. A deliberate “How are you?”—with a pause to listen—can encourage honesty and vulnerability. Patience is key; it may take a few tries.

5️⃣ Group vs. One-on-One
Group calls offer laughter and fun, but one-on-one calls create deeper connections. Encourage monthly one-on-one calls between grandchildren and grandparents—they will be cherished. Ask your family what they prefer.

6️⃣ Being on Stage
Many people dislike video calls but won’t admit it. Some hover in the background, avoiding the couch. Diversify communication: send texts or letters “just because” to maintain connection without pressure.

7️⃣ The Value of the Written Word
Letters and cards are treasured, opened, and savoured at the right moment. Young children may find them magical. Even with postage costs, a thoughtful card or letter is always worth it.

Rich encounters don’t happen by accident. They require intentionality, thoughtfulness, and creativity. By following these strategies, distance families can transform ordinary interactions into meaningful connections across any miles.