 First published on LinkedIn May 2023 A key secret of successful, thriving geographically distanced family relationships is responsive, intentional communication – from both directions.
Distance grandparents sometimes grumble they don’t always hear back from family when texting or emailing. Regular communications with no responses are common in some families. I hear grandparents say, “They seem to have mislaid the ‘reply’ button”. When grandparents’ messages appear to be ignored, unsettled emotions make themselves at home. The grandparent generation was raised on the importance of old-fashioned courtesies and as a general rule reply promptly to answerphone messages, emails and texts. Ignoring an incoming mobile phone call goes against every bone in their body. They imagine this trait will pass to the next generations. Sometimes it does… sometimes it doesn’t. Likewise, for example, when I FaceTime with my overseas daughter and young grandsons, and she asks them if they’d like to talk to me, their answer is sometimes a flat “no”, accompanied by funny, screwed-up faces. There are so many ways of viewing these scenarios. Family life is hectic for the abroad middle generation, and it is unreasonable for distance grandparents to expect timely responses to all communications. OR The distance family should make more effort and think about how it feels for the folks back home. If the grandparents were busier, they wouldn’t be so bothered about the frequency or lack of communication. OR It's reasonable to expect the courtesy of timely responses to all communications. Kids are kids and don’t be too sensitive. OR They should teach children to always be respectful. None is all right. None is all wrong. When I stay with my overseas family (or they stay with me) I am reminded how every day is so full. I have reflected on how they ever fit in communications with me in the first place. From my experience and talking with other distance families, I’ve learned that a lack of response doesn’t mean they don’t love us. Right now, other stuff is happening, and their minds are elsewhere. The same communication issues could occur if they lived down the road. Everyone has only so much capacity to spread themselves around. Overthinking at the grandparent end isn’t helpful while completely ignoring communications in the other direction isn’t ideal either. Finding empathy for each other’s needs, along with a fair dose of ‘going with the flow’ and ‘give ‘n take’, makes for successful distance family communications and relations.  First published on LinkedIn August 2024
Researchers look for unknown facts, solutions to problems and answers to never-before-asked questions. Sometimes similar findings keep reappearing creating patterns of data. I am a researcher of families separated by geography. The behaviour, emotions, challenges and routines of Distance Families deliver me no shortage of data patterns. One research response continuously reappears. I hear the same message everywhere. Also, the issue transcends nationalities, cultures and languages. It isn’t mind-blowingly complex. It doesn’t require specialist skills to master – in fact, it is so ‘every day’, that when I share it with the potential ‘guilty’ parties I sometimes get looks of disbelief that I would spend my time talking about something so trivial. So what is it? The No 1 complaint/problem/response I receive from the grandparent generation of distance families is, “Nobody says thank you”. The grandparents purchase presents, lovingly wrap them, and post them in time. They carefully research and creatively deliver gift vouchers to their recipients. Or grandparents deposit money in accounts. Often, they never receive a letter, text, call, or email. Who are the guilty parties? Most times, and there are exceptions, it’s the middle-generation parents and their offspring — the grandchildren. The grandparent generation grew up writing thank-you letters. It was non-negotiable and considered good manners. My parents would bring out a Croxley writing pad. They insisted letters were neat, and the envelopes addressed correctly. My siblings and I pride ourselves on being excellent letter writers. It all started with those thank-you letters. Currently, I am in the middle of moving house. Sorting through papers, I found a letter I sent as a child living in New Zealand to my U.K. grandparents. I don’t know how it ended up back in my possession. So what happens when a thank you note or message doesn’t appear? If you’re the grandparent living across oceans or continents, a general melancholy finds a home for a bit. You consider asking if the gift arrived okay, but most times, you quietly bury that thought. You’re sad about the grandchild’s thoughtlessness but even madder at their parent because you raised them. Grandparents don’t want to make a fuss because connection opportunities are limited and they don’t want to be a moaning parent/grandparent. Thank-you notes or messages, in BOTH directions, fuel thriving Distance Families.  The Distance Family Thinking Pie is a symbolic reminder that each generation thinks about each other according to their own set of scales and this is okay. The slices of the Distance Family Thinking Pie vary between generations. Think of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
Distance Grandparents consume the biggest slice. They think about their distance children most, followed closely by thoughts of their distance grandchildren. They worry, they grieve, they feel the void: their distance family is constantly on their minds. When they wake up each morning one of their first thoughts will be, are there any messages overnight from the kids? Distance sons and daughters think about their distance parents often, but not as frequently as their parents think about them in reverse. Theirs is a middle-size slice. Keeping with the same example, first thing in the morning, distance sons and daughters have a full to-do list. They don’t necessarily have time to ponder about their parents as they are rushing to get on with the day. There is only so much space, or ‘bandwidth’, as they would describe it. The only time the size of the slice of The Distance Family Thinking Pie increases for the sons and daughters is when perhaps a parent is unwell and uncertainty about their future is a lingering concern. It is then the slice sizes of The Distance Family Thinking Pie are adjusted. Distance grandchildren consume the smallest slice of The Distance Family Thinking Pie. Most distance grandchildren don’t constantly think about their distance grandparents, but it doesn’t mean they don’t care. Their brain space focuses, most of the time, on other things and that’s perfectly normal. Once again there are exceptions to the rule. The purpose of talking about The Distance Family Thinking Pie is not to critique each generation’s efforts. It is there for one purpose only: to highlight the reality that the quantity of distance family thinking varies between generations. This provides a context for realistic expectations of each other.  As a researcher and author, I’ve spent years exploring the lives of families separated by geography, and one thing is clear: distance stirs up a wide range of emotions that sit just below the surface for most of us. Whether it’s longing, love, pride, or worry, these feelings don’t always show—but they’re there, ready to spill over at unexpected moments.
I remember the day a neighbour handed me her six-week-old baby to hold. As I cradled that tiny bundle, I felt a rush of emotion as thoughts of my new faraway grandson flooded in. For a moment, I couldn’t hold back the tears. It reminded me that even when we place those feelings on a mental “shelf,” they’re never far from reach. When people learn that I am an author and write about families separated by geography, their responses often surprise me. I’ve seen total strangers—a shop assistant, a fellow traveller, someone I’ve just met—suddenly tear up and pour out their distance family story. There’s something universally moving about being separated from loved ones. These emotions—homesickness, love, grief, pride, and even guilt—are all rooted in a deep desire to stay connected. But here’s the good news: intergenerational distance families who are intentional about connecting can thrive. Staying close across continents is possible! While distance can sometimes feel like a barrier, families that nurture a genuine understanding of each other's lives across miles find a strength that’s hard to break. And here’s one of the most rewarding ways to keep those bonds strong: cultivate a real hunger to understand “how it is” for the other. What does that mean? Well, while you intimately know what it’s like to be an expat in a new country, or a grandparent back home, how often do you consider the unique challenges your family members face on their side of the world? So much goes unspoken in distance families, simply because:
If you’re a migrant or expat what might come of asking your folks back home, “How does it feel to see grandparents collecting grandchildren at the school gate?” Or if you’re the grandparent at home ask your away son or daughter, “How are you adjusting to the culture at work?” or enquiring of your grandkids, “What’s it like to have an accent that stands out?” One of my favourite mantras is: “With understanding comes empathy, and empathy is gold for distance families.” Even if these questions are hard to ask, always look beyond your own situation and imagine what life might be like from their perspective. It’s an exercise that deepens understanding, strengthens empathy, and enriches the bonds that hold our families together—across any distance.  It’s fascinating how siblings, despite sharing the same parents, can have vastly different personalities, ambitions, and outlooks. Some siblings are exceptionally close, genuinely enjoying each other’s company and building a tight-knit bond. But for many, sibling relationships are a complex mix of good intentions, mixed emotions, and blurred boundaries. When geography adds a layer of separation, this complexity often intensifies, especially for families where one sibling moves abroad while others stay behind.
The Added Layer of Distance When a sibling moves abroad, it can create an unspoken divide. The “left-behind” sibling(s) often grapple with the new reality of managing shared family responsibilities alone. With aging parents, the question, “Who will look after Mum/Mom and Dad when they decline?” becomes an inevitable worry, with practical and emotional implications. For the sibling abroad, there may be guilt, anxiety, and even a sense of helplessness as they watch family life continue without them from afar. For both sides, the distance can foster misunderstandings and amplify tensions if not approached with care and empathy. Emotional Turmoil and Common Pitfalls Geographically distanced siblings may face a range of emotional challenges. The sibling who remains in-country may feel abandoned or unfairly burdened, while the one who leaves might struggle with guilt or a sense of disconnection. Both sides can fall into patterns of miscommunication, or fail to fully understand each other’s experiences and perspectives, creating unnecessary strain on their relationship. Seven Tips for the Sibling Who’s Leaving If you’re planning a move abroad, there are steps you can take to ensure your sibling relationship remains strong and respectful. Here are seven tips to help navigate this transition with empathy and open communication:
For the Sibling Staying Behind If you’re the sibling staying behind, the transition can be equally challenging. Here are some reminders to help navigate the new dynamic:
Maintaining Mutual Respect and Connection Ultimately, managing a sibling relationship separated by geography takes ongoing effort, empathy, and flexibility. Each sibling has a unique role, and respecting each other’s choices and circumstances can help foster a relationship based on mutual understanding. While distance may add complications, a commitment to open communication, emotional support, and realistic expectations will help you maintain a close and supportive bond—no matter how many miles lie between you.  Originally published on LinkedIn May 2021
Intergenerational families separated by geography constantly navigate the best ways to communicate. What’s more, not all communication is equal or effective. Let’s consider the different types of communication: Light and Fluffy Occasional texts, random photos or videos, and social media posts. Fun, but fleeting. Day-to-Day Stuff Updates on the day, administrative emails, and questions needing answers—practical but rarely nourishing. Mediocre Encounters A video call cut short by a crying child, a doorbell interruption, or a phone call. Normal interruptions that often end with, “We’ll try again another time.” Rich Encounters Pre-booked—or sometimes spontaneous—group or one-on-one calls when everyone is ready, time zones align, and conversation flows naturally. These calls leave everyone feeling refreshed, reconnected, and ready to thrive… until the next time. Seven Strategies for Rich Encounters 1️⃣ You Can’t Ring a Two-Year-Old Distance grandparents often leave initiating to the middle generation, especially with young children. It’s about timing, not willingness. Middle-generation children should take the lead in arranging communication. 2️⃣ Soft Routines vs. Random Potluck Soft routines: Scheduled times for regular catch-ups. Random potluck connections: Calls made hoping the other person is free. Ask your distance family what works best—both have value. 3️⃣ Quality vs. Quantity Do you prefer a multitasking setup with the laptop on the counter, or distraction-free attention to a call? Ask your family whether they value quality or quantity in communication. 4️⃣ Pretence: “We’re Fine” Families sometimes hide how they really are. A deliberate “How are you?”—with a pause to listen—can encourage honesty and vulnerability. Patience is key; it may take a few tries. 5️⃣ Group vs. One-on-One Group calls offer laughter and fun, but one-on-one calls create deeper connections. Encourage monthly one-on-one calls between grandchildren and grandparents—they will be cherished. Ask your family what they prefer. 6️⃣ Being on Stage Many people dislike video calls but won’t admit it. Some hover in the background, avoiding the couch. Diversify communication: send texts or letters “just because” to maintain connection without pressure. 7️⃣ The Value of the Written Word Letters and cards are treasured, opened, and savoured at the right moment. Young children may find them magical. Even with postage costs, a thoughtful card or letter is always worth it. Rich encounters don’t happen by accident. They require intentionality, thoughtfulness, and creativity. By following these strategies, distance families can transform ordinary interactions into meaningful connections across any miles. |
