When families are separated by geography, who pays for expenses during visits, in either direction, can be tricky. There are many factors at play. But for sure no one wants to sit at home for every meal. We all want to get out, have fun and visit places together.

Should expenses be the exclusive responsibility of the highest earner or the one with the greatest discretionary income? Distance grandparents may know, for example, that the family of their son or daughter is struggling financially. Or it might be the other way around. Picking up the tab is one way to support family so visits are possible.
When my husband and I visit, or are visited, there are no hard and fast rules. Our children’s financial situations have fluctuated over the years. What we are grateful for is that we all share a common attitude towards money and spending.

The following has evolved and works well for our family, but there have been many exceptions as well.
Parents/grandparents/us·       We pay for our accommodation when we choose or need to be ‘off-site’ during visits. This gives us control of the standard, location and facilities.

·       We pay for what is of particular importance to us – for example, the costs associated with alone-time activities with individual family members.
·       If we’ve discussed in advance visiting certain attractions, we’ll arrive with some, but not all, pre-booked.
·       We tend to pay for a fair proportion of meals out for no other reason than my husband and is quick with the credit card. I regularly encourage him to allow space for others to gracefully make the move also.
Shared expenses·       Accommodation when we vacation together at another location
·       Every second supermarket visit
·       Every second fill at the petrol station

Sometimes, of course, things evolve organically. For example, when we visit our U.K. family, we usually holiday together somewhere. We started by sharing a chalet or apartment, but as the grandchildren grew older (and we grew older as well), we progressed to two separate units. There’s been no hard and fast rule about how the accommodation account is settled. Sometimes we’ve split the bill, sometimes we’ve paid the lot and other times our distance family has paid. The latter scenario doesn’t sit right with us, but on the other hand, we’ve done the travelling and invested in the airfares, so we need to allow them the opportunity to contribute. And they also get to choose where we go!

When our U.S.-based daughter visits or we visit her she is happy to keep what we call an ‘overs and unders’ tally. At times, for example, it is easier if she does a big supermarket shop for us all and fills up the car and we stay home and mind the grandkids. We’re happy for her to make an arbitrary decision about how the bill is split. We would have spent money on groceries and petrol at home so we don't even think of these as holiday expenses. On other occasions, and once again for the sake of convenience, we’ve initially covered a shared expense. At the end of the visit we check the ‘overs and unders’ and balance the books via reimbursement from one side or the other.

Money and families are tricky subjects at the best of times. What I have shared is what works for our distance family visits. What works for your family could be quite different.
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If there are grey areas, it pays to address them in advance, all the while remaining flexible that ‘how it worked’ last time, might be different for future visits.

​I am a loyal fan of Airbnb. In Being a Distance Grandparent I noted, “Airbnb has become a lifeline for Distance Grandparents preferring their own space. The platform offers ordinarily hard-to-find accommodation in non-touristic suburbs and neighbourhoods.” And the same works in reverse when the away family visit ‘home’ and can’t stay with their parents. Generally, you get more space and facilities for your dollar and if you’re staying for a while, that’s very helpful. Nothing has changed there.

However, my relationship with Airbnb has moved a little. Recently I’ve decided there are elements that don’t work well, especially when you’re travelling long haul. I am over searching for a key lock-box surrounded by many other key lock-boxes, all padlocked to a random fence, or dealing with owners letting apartments short-term in buildings that ban the arrangement. And there is nothing worse than arriving in the dark, searching for light switches and wading through a folder for the Wi-Fi code.

Friends recently recounted arriving in London after 30 hour’s flight travel. The vacation apartment owner inadvertently failed to email the security code. They sat on their suitcases in the street for over two hours sorting the problem. Thank goodness it was daytime.

In a News.com.au article Michael Johnson, interim CEO of the Accommodation Association of Australia, says, “[Travellers] are saying, let’s stay in a hotel where we don’t have to worry about anything, it gets taken care of”.
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Like Johnson I have decided that after a long haul flight I want to see a friendly face at a 24 hour reception. After a recent 21 hour journey with a 1am check in, I so appreciated how easy it was. Even if my intention is to stay at an Airbnb, I’ll book a hotel for one night to brace myself for the inevitable ‘journey of discovery’ that Airbnbs tend to be.

I like them for three reasons

1.     You’re holidaying on neutral territory – no one is the host
2.    If the grandkids are entertained, everyone is happy
3.    The grandparents can choose to have their own space by reserving separate accommodation

For 20+ years I have vacationed at resorts and complexes spread across three continents. Each resort differed in what was offered and included.

In Netherland, Germany Belgium, France, England and Ireland you’ll find Center Parcs. They’re all surrounded by nature and the great outdoors. The majority of cottages and accommodation are self-catering with restaurant options onsite. Each park features fantastic activities. I can recall indoor skiing in summer with real snow. They claim, “bored kids are completely unheard of at Center Parcs”.

In England, Wales and Scotland you’ll find Hoseasons parks. These are self-catering with some offering accommodation on canal boats. Many are geared up for winter stays with heated pools.
Club Med offers resorts all around the world – ideal for winter (skiing) and summer stays. No kitchen facilities because the resorts are all-inclusive in food, entertainment, Kids Club care, and even alcohol! Once you arrive and unpack you don’t want to leave. 

In Australia there's the popular all-inclusive Paradise Resort on the Gold Coast.
Here are article links to explore more… architecturaldigest, planetware, travelandleisure, FullSuitcase and Vacationist.

There is no doubt about it when you add up the cost, some are mouth-watering. What’s important to keep in mind though are all the normal living costs that won’t appear on all generations' credit card statements for the time you’re away. These add up and help offset the investment.

The added advantage of all-inclusive resorts like Club Med is that once you are there everyone puts their wallet away and there are no discussions about who pays for what.

Hints and tips

• Grandparents… arrive a day or so earlier and depart a day or two later, especially if you have to deal with jetlag. Give yourself time to become familiar with the layout of the resort - what is where and all the nooks and crannies. It can be overwhelming arriving when everyone else knows where they are going. If you aren’t as mobile request accommodation convenient to facilities and/or your family. Some of the resorts are spread over acres. During a stay in France, it took us half an hour to walk between our unit and our son and family. All good exercise, but in the heat of August - not so good. Incidentally, this resort offered hire bicycles. We didn’t pay attention and by the time we realised a bike would be useful they'd all been book out. It pays to do some homework beforehand.
• If it is feasible to bring all your beach gear and equipment, do so. However, if space is at a premium you can buy most things once you’re there, and can gift your purchases to other guests when it’s time to leave. They will love you for it.
• Sunscreen – bring heaps more than you imagine you need - some for the bathroom, some for the beach bag and spare. On our recent vacation sunscreen became a regular, repeat purchase from the boutique.
• Laundry – if your resort offers laundry facilities check out how you pay for it. During our last stay we required US$1 coins. Sounds simple? We live in a cashless society and we were tourists with reduced access to cash. The only change machine at the resort was empty. Reception couldn’t help until a staff member was available to drive the half hour to the closest bank and it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. Come prepared.
• If grandchildren are likely to stay over with you ask the parents to bring a second set of pyjamas and toothbrushes. On one hand, these things really don't matter for a few days but on the other hand, they contribute to a familiar bedtime routine. You certainly want to avoid late night, stressful to-ing and fro-ing between accommodation collecting these items.
• Kid’s Club – if there is one – use it. Don’t be a martyr to parenting and grandparenting. Grandparents, give yourself time to recharge because you’ll be more engaged when you’ve had downtime.
• You’ll find you’re texting each other all the time to keep in touch about what’s happening and who is going where etc. If technology isn’t your thing, you’d be wise to brush up your skills so texting is second nature. Also, bring a zip-lock bag for your phone or consider purchasing a water-proof holder if you'll be around water a lot.
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My last hint is to have realistic expectations. Grumpy toddlers and children still complain and get upset even when they're in paradise. Your family will be no different. There will be times, in the heat of the moment when you wonder if it was all a good idea. However, looking back on the many photos you’ll remember how easy it was, on so many levels to create family memories.

Originally published on LinkedIn May 2021

Intergenerational families separated by geography constantly navigate the best ways to communicate. What’s more, not all communication is equal or effective. Let’s consider the different types of communication:

Light and Fluffy
Occasional texts, random photos or videos, and social media posts. Fun, but fleeting.

Day-to-Day Stuff
Updates on the day, administrative emails, and questions needing answers—practical but rarely nourishing.

Mediocre Encounters
A video call cut short by a crying child, a doorbell interruption, or a phone call. Normal interruptions that often end with, “We’ll try again another time.”

Rich Encounters
Pre-booked—or sometimes spontaneous—group or one-on-one calls when everyone is ready, time zones align, and conversation flows naturally. These calls leave everyone feeling refreshed, reconnected, and ready to thrive… until the next time.

Seven Strategies for Rich Encounters

1️⃣ You Can’t Ring a Two-Year-Old
Distance grandparents often leave initiating to the middle generation, especially with young children. It’s about timing, not willingness. Middle-generation children should take the lead in arranging communication.

2️⃣ Soft Routines vs. Random Potluck
Soft routines: Scheduled times for regular catch-ups.
Random potluck connections: Calls made hoping the other person is free.
Ask your distance family what works best—both have value.

3️⃣ Quality vs. Quantity
Do you prefer a multitasking setup with the laptop on the counter, or distraction-free attention to a call? Ask your family whether they value quality or quantity in communication.

4️⃣ Pretence: “We’re Fine”
Families sometimes hide how they really are. A deliberate “How are you?”—with a pause to listen—can encourage honesty and vulnerability. Patience is key; it may take a few tries.

5️⃣ Group vs. One-on-One
Group calls offer laughter and fun, but one-on-one calls create deeper connections. Encourage monthly one-on-one calls between grandchildren and grandparents—they will be cherished. Ask your family what they prefer.

6️⃣ Being on Stage
Many people dislike video calls but won’t admit it. Some hover in the background, avoiding the couch. Diversify communication: send texts or letters “just because” to maintain connection without pressure.

7️⃣ The Value of the Written Word
Letters and cards are treasured, opened, and savoured at the right moment. Young children may find them magical. Even with postage costs, a thoughtful card or letter is always worth it.

Rich encounters don’t happen by accident. They require intentionality, thoughtfulness, and creativity. By following these strategies, distance families can transform ordinary interactions into meaningful connections across any miles.