The guilt of living abroad

First published on LinkedIn November 2021

Are you an expat or migrant? 

Do your distance parents and/or grandparents cause you guilt... because you live abroad? 

This is a common dynamic within distance families, but there's a way to improve the outcome.

The key to reducing showered-upon guilt has three elements:

• Create awareness in your parents/grandparents of what they are saying, and the harm it is causing
• The need for their acceptance of your distance family situation, because it is the right thing to do
• Your acknowledgement, to them, of their loss

I talk more about each element in Being a Distance Grandparent – a book for ALL Generations. Do the following excerpts from my book sound familiar to your family dynamics?

​“I have met grandparents who can’t accept why their child would ever want to live outside their own country and continuously ask when are they coming home”.

​“We have to take responsibility. We likely said to our children when they were young, ‘you can do anything’ or ‘dream big’ or ‘reach for the stars’ and that’s exactly what they’ve done. It just so happens their dream involved embracing a new place to live. They want us to be pleased for them and proud of their efforts”.

​It’s not so much about what distance parents and grandparents say to themselves – it’s what they verbalise to their distance family. It's what I call, The 3 H’s: the Language of Progressive Acceptance of Distance Grandparenting. When acceptance hasn't found a home yet, often its progress can be monitored by language.

​“Acceptance occurs in your heart. However, that doesn’t mean Distance Grandparents don’t sometimes moan and groan to a good friend – and that’s fine. We’re all human".

​Once at a place of acceptance, the minds of parents and grandparents do not buzz with resentful judgement. It’s easier to be inventive about creative ways of connecting and, let’s face it... it's better for their well-being not to resist, what is. 

When a distance grandmother friend of mine read The 3 H’s she said, “I needed to read that.” Immediately she changed the way she communicated with her distance family. I hope 'The 3 H's' can do the same for your family.

If you’d like to improve this distance family dynamic and lessen the guilt of living abroad then here is my top tip: 

Read a copy of Being a Distance Grandparent – a Book for ALL Generations to help you understand the dynamic from all perspectives. Then, give a copy to your parents/grandparents with perhaps a short message that reads something like this, ‘I just read this book and now I get it. I understand your perspective. I hope you enjoy it too’.

​“With understanding comes empathy and empathy is a good thing for distance families”