"They seem to have mislaid the 'reply' button"

First published on LinkedIn May 2023

​A key secret of successful, thriving geographically distanced family relationships is responsive, intentional communication – from both directions.

Distance grandparents sometimes grumble they don’t always hear back from family when texting or emailing. Regular communications with no responses are common in some families. I hear grandparents say, “They seem to have mislaid the ‘reply’ button”. When grandparents’ messages appear to be ignored, unsettled emotions make themselves at home.

The grandparent generation was raised on the importance of old-fashioned courtesies and as a general rule reply promptly to answerphone messages, emails and texts. Ignoring an incoming mobile phone call goes against every bone in their body. They imagine this trait will pass to the next generations. Sometimes it does… sometimes it doesn’t.

Likewise, for example, when I FaceTime with my overseas daughter and young grandsons, and she asks them if they’d like to talk to me, their answer is sometimes a flat “no”, accompanied by funny, screwed-up faces.

There are so many ways of viewing these scenarios.

Family life is hectic for the abroad middle generation, and it is unreasonable for distance grandparents to expect timely responses to all communications.
OR
The distance family should make more effort and think about how it feels for the folks back home.

If the grandparents were busier, they wouldn’t be so bothered about the frequency or lack of communication.
OR
It's reasonable to expect the courtesy of timely responses to all communications.

Kids are kids and don’t be too sensitive.
OR
They should teach children to always be respectful.

None is all right. None is all wrong.

When I stay with my overseas family (or they stay with me) I am reminded how every day is so full. I have reflected on how they ever fit in communications with me in the first place.

From my experience and talking with other distance families, I’ve learned that a lack of response doesn’t mean they don’t love us. Right now, other stuff is happening, and their minds are elsewhere. The same communication issues could occur if they lived down the road.

Everyone has only so much capacity to spread themselves around. Overthinking at the grandparent end isn’t helpful while completely ignoring communications in the other direction isn’t ideal either.

Finding empathy for each other’s needs, along with a fair dose of ‘going with the flow’ and ‘give ‘n take’, makes for successful distance family communications and relations.