What is the No 1 intergenerational, common courtesy worthy of committing to for families separated by geography?

First published on LinkedIn August 2024

Researchers look for unknown facts, solutions to problems and answers to never-before-asked questions. Sometimes similar findings keep reappearing creating patterns of data. I am a researcher of families separated by geography. The behaviour, emotions, challenges and routines of Distance Families deliver me no shortage of data patterns.

One research response continuously reappears. I hear the same message everywhere. Also, the issue transcends nationalities, cultures and languages. It isn’t mind-blowingly complex. It doesn’t require specialist skills to master  – in fact, it is so ‘every day’, that when I share it with the potential ‘guilty’ parties I sometimes get looks of disbelief that I would spend my time talking about something so trivial. So what is it?

The No 1 complaint/problem/response I receive from the grandparent generation of distance families is, “Nobody says thank you”. The grandparents purchase presents, lovingly wrap them, and post them in time. They carefully research and creatively deliver gift vouchers to their recipients. Or grandparents deposit money in accounts. Often, they never receive a letter, text, call, or email.

Who are the guilty parties? Most times, and there are exceptions, it’s the middle-generation parents and their offspring — the grandchildren.

The grandparent generation grew up writing thank-you letters. It was non-negotiable and considered good manners. My parents would bring out a Croxley writing pad. They insisted letters were neat, and the envelopes addressed correctly. My siblings and I pride ourselves on being excellent letter writers. It all started with those thank-you letters.
Currently, I am in the middle of moving house. Sorting through papers, I found a letter I sent as a child living in New Zealand to my U.K. grandparents. I don’t know how it ended up back in my possession.

So what happens when a thank you note or message doesn’t appear? If you’re the grandparent living across oceans or continents, a general melancholy finds a home for a bit. You consider asking if the gift arrived okay, but most times, you quietly bury that thought. You’re sad about the grandchild’s thoughtlessness but even madder at their parent because you raised them. Grandparents don’t want to make a fuss because connection opportunities are limited and they don’t want to be a moaning parent/grandparent.

Thank-you notes or messages, in BOTH directions, fuel thriving Distance Families.