When grandchildren speak a different language from their grandparents

When expat or immigrant parents come from different linguistic and cultural backgrounds, they must decide early on which language(s) to use at home – and, importantly whether these include the grandparents’ language(s). Who will speak what, where and to whom? This practical consideration can generate much soul-searching.
 
Let’s consider the scenario where the native language of the grandparents is not the primary language of their grandchildren. Despite the many honourable and valid reasons for retaining the grandparents’ language, there are times when it has to be reluctantly dropped. For example:
 

• The parents believe that if children learn more than one language simultaneously, they won’t learn either one properly. Experts argue against this.
• The child dislikes learning and might go as far as putting their hands over their ears when a grandparents’ language is spoken.
• A parent who speaks the grandparents’ language travels with work so much that they simply aren’t home enough to teach the children.
• The parents find themselves losing their native language and struggle to pass it on.

 
When the only language spoken by distance grandparents is a ‘put-to-one-side’ language – one they don’t share with their grandchildren – it becomes extremely difficult for those relationships to truly flourish.
 
Speaking as a monolingual, foreign-language-challenged kiwi distance parent and grandparent, I would rather contend with every geographical hurdle we face – time zones, travel miles, opposite seasons, daylight saving and the International Date Line – than have any member of my family primarily speak a language I do not understand. Without that shared language, connecting from afar is so hard.
 
First published in The Westerly, July 2026