Who pays for what during visits?

First published on LinkedIn February 2024

When families are separated by geography, who pays for expenses during visits, in either direction, can be tricky. There are many factors at play. But for sure no one wants to sit at home for every meal. We all want to get out, have fun and visit places together.

Should expenses be the exclusive responsibility of the highest earner or the one with the greatest discretionary income? Distance grandparents may know, for example, that the family of their son or daughter is struggling financially. Or it might be the other way around. Picking up the tab is one way to support family so visits are possible.
When my husband and I visit, or are visited, there are no hard and fast rules. Our children’s financial situations have fluctuated over the years. What we are grateful for is that we all share a common attitude towards money and spending.

The following has evolved and works well for our family, but there have been many exceptions as well.
Parents/grandparents/us·       We pay for our accommodation when we choose or need to be ‘off-site’ during visits. This gives us control of the standard, location and facilities.

·       We pay for what is of particular importance to us – for example, the costs associated with alone-time activities with individual family members.
·       If we’ve discussed in advance visiting certain attractions, we’ll arrive with some, but not all, pre-booked.
·       We tend to pay for a fair proportion of meals out for no other reason than my husband and is quick with the credit card. I regularly encourage him to allow space for others to gracefully make the move also.
Shared expenses·       Accommodation when we vacation together at another location
·       Every second supermarket visit
·       Every second fill at the petrol station

Sometimes, of course, things evolve organically. For example, when we visit our U.K. family, we usually holiday together somewhere. We started by sharing a chalet or apartment, but as the grandchildren grew older (and we grew older as well), we progressed to two separate units. There’s been no hard and fast rule about how the accommodation account is settled. Sometimes we’ve split the bill, sometimes we’ve paid the lot and other times our distance family has paid. The latter scenario doesn’t sit right with us, but on the other hand, we’ve done the travelling and invested in the airfares, so we need to allow them the opportunity to contribute. And they also get to choose where we go!

When our U.S.-based daughter visits or we visit her she is happy to keep what we call an ‘overs and unders’ tally. At times, for example, it is easier if she does a big supermarket shop for us all and fills up the car and we stay home and mind the grandkids. We’re happy for her to make an arbitrary decision about how the bill is split. We would have spent money on groceries and petrol at home so we don't even think of these as holiday expenses. On other occasions, and once again for the sake of convenience, we’ve initially covered a shared expense. At the end of the visit we check the ‘overs and unders’ and balance the books via reimbursement from one side or the other.

Money and families are tricky subjects at the best of times. What I have shared is what works for our distance family visits. What works for your family could be quite different.
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If there are grey areas, it pays to address them in advance, all the while remaining flexible that ‘how it worked’ last time, might be different for future visits.