December/January Newsletter

Welcome to the Christmas double newsletter from Distance Families

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

​There are very few academics in the world who research and write about Distance Families, or as they call them, Transnational Families. I have come across most of them, and many feature in my books.

​​I was delighted when a friend sent me an article penned by a South African global mobility academic who I somehow hadn’t come across. Let me introduce Dr Sulette Ferreira. After a Zoom chat we found we have so much in common.

I highlight in all my books that the South African Distance Families dynamic is completely different from that of say Australia, U.S.A., U.K., Canada etc. Their emigrants are generally leaving for different reasons than, say, nationals of these other countries. Here's how I described it in Being a Distance Grandchild.

​“South African clinical psychologist Maria Marchetti-Mercer, from the University of Johannesburg, is a specialist in emigration. In a Family Process article, she explains that the impact is extensive and multi-faceted. She adds that the departing family is often so busy organising their move that they spend little time preparing their loved ones for life without them. Also, because of the emotional fallout, they often keep the emigration decision a secret until the last minute, and the extended families then have little time to process it. She explains the consequences: “Emigration is mostly experienced as a vast loss, almost akin to a death, bringing about significant changes in social networks.”
 
Furthermore, leaving South Africa is often seen as abandoning the family and the nation – both of which are culturally and morally significant, especially for Afrikaners. New Zealand anthropologist Kris Finlayson, who studies the Afrikaner diaspora in New Zealand, says that a fair percentage of South African emigrants are even considered “traitors to the Afrikaner cause” of helping fix the country, or “faithless” (not having enough faith that God will protect and provide). Worse still, says Hendrika, the family that emigrates is often excommunicated by the siblings who stay behind. The resulting resentment can seriously damage future family relationships.
 
To be fair, the siblings who remain never asked for an unequal share of responsibilities. Resentment may build as they care for ageing parents – something seen in many countries but felt more acutely in South Africa. Hendrika shared examples of in-country siblings who booked out-of-town holidays to coincide with a sibling’s visit. They’d announce it in the same way a new mum might when her partner walks in the door and she hands him the baby: “They’re… all yours.”
 
Is this the case for all South African Distance Families? No. But the frequency is alarmingly high.”

​If you are South African or have South African friends who are members of a Distance Family, Dr Sulette can offer two unique things:

• A dedicated private Facebook Group for South African parents and grandparents whose children have emigrated.
• Sulette has a private counselling practice. She is a rare professional who supports the soon-to-emigrate, the emigrated and the left behind family. Check out her qualifications and articles.

I am pleased to support her work.
Just a reminder, paperback editions of my books are available in South Africa via Loot and takealot.

---

BOOK SERIES NEWS

​In early November I had a booth at our neighbourhood Art Trail. Locals wandered in to enjoy the sunshine and the art — not expecting to find books that touched something deep inside.
Many visitors were expats and migrants. When I spoke about Being a Distance Son or Daughter and mentioned the guilt of leaving family behind, they looked at me — surprised that a local Kiwi understood. A few eyes even watered. It was a joy to share stories and the quiet emotions so many carry. When I asked whether they’d be interested in a local support group for expats and migrants, the answer was a heartfelt “Yes, please.” I’ve promised that when my grandchild book 

​comes out next year, I’ll create an event especially for expats and migrants.

​Separately, a local writers’ group has formed. Around a dozen of us squeezed around some bunched-up tables in a café and introduced ourselves. There was everyone from a highly successful middle-grade fantasy author (Disney is her publisher!) to people who simply love to write but haven’t yet told the world. At the table was someone I’d never met who had written a novel based on her expat life in Hong Kong — what a coincidence. Naturally, we swapped books and plan to keep in touch. A week later she messaged me:

​Thank you so much for your two books. I have started on the grandparent one first and, oh my goodness, it brings back so many memories and raises a lot to think about. I especially appreciate the stories and your recorded experiences — including the strangeness of visiting a new baby in a whole new cultural context (complete with the amah) and how your story links into what is common for so many in NZ. The ‘pull’ to go overseas for better financial and career opportunities was so strong that our thirty-something selves didn’t really grasp what it did to the wider family emotionally. Your book is making me reflect — thank you so much

I loved her response. My goal remains to help each generation of Distance Families understand “how it is” for the other generations because that generates empathy — and that’s exactly what the book achieved for her.

Through November I’ve been going back and forth with my U.K. book designer for Being a Distance Grandchild. I emailed over a bulging Word document and she imported the text into software that creates the paperback and eBook internal files. It sounds straightforward, but — like proofreading — everything needs checking and re-checking. When margins are justified on both sides, questions appear: should certain words be hyphenated at line ends or not? So many small decisions. This time, some photos will be included: a few of my own (from my experience as a distance grandchild) and some of the distance grandchildren I feature. The finished layout is so close. Just a dash more to-ing and fro-ing and we're there. Look out for further announcements in the New Year regarding purchasing from Amazon etc.

Just a reminder: there’s a free book giveaway — I’ll post an autographed paperback edition to the winner anywhere in the world. I’ve extended the promotion to align with when my New Zealand printer can print copies for this market. Click here to register.

---

ON THE HOME FRONT

​November found me planning and booking a 2026 visit to all our family in the U.K. and the U.S.A. Once you add up 10–11 nights with each adult child and family, 2–3 nights with each adult grandchild who lives away from home, overnight flights, daytime flights, and squeeze in a week-long river cruise in Scotland, the total comes to seven and a half weeks. Hubby and I freely admit we’re past our “use-by” date after about five weeks—too bad! We’re simply grateful we can do what we can right now.
In a past life, I was a travel agent, so I genuinely enjoy planning these trips. I create a simple Excel file with dates on the left, locations and movements in the centre, and costs on the right. It’s not very sophisticated, but it works for me.

​By mid-December, our Edinburgh-based granddaughter arrives for a month’s holiday. A few days after she lands, she’ll come over to decorate our tree, have dinner with us, and then we’ll bus into town to visit a famous residential street known for its Christmas lights. Our community choir will be busking there, and our granddaughter will be rattling the donation bucket—no doubt adorned with a Santa hat and plenty of sparkly trimmings to complement her red hair.

​Just a heads up... this granddaughter wrote her Distance Grandchild story for my upcoming book. It's a goodie.

Just after Christmas hubby and I fly south to join a short expedition cruise at the bottom of New Zealand, visiting Stewart Island and the Fiordland National Park. I’ll report back in the New Year all about this exciting nature adventure.
 
Make the most of Christmas. If family is visiting—or you’re visiting them—revel in every moment. And if your home won’t be full this year, consider whether there’s someone who might appreciate an invitation to yours.

Seasons greetings and take care until next time. 
Helen Ellis

​*** Not registered to receive this monthly newsletter? You may register on the right of this page ***
 
*** Please forward this newsletter to others who may enjoy it. Thank you! ***