July Newsletter

​Welcome to the newsletter from Distance Families

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

​The Value of Distance Friends
 
A vital element of successful Distance Familying is Distance Friends.
 
There are the friends back home with whom distance never seems to matter—you simply pick up where you left off, no matter how much time has passed since your last visit. Then there are friends who have also ventured overseas, and through a combination of good luck and good planning, you find yourselves catching up somewhere else in the world. Finally, there are the friends of your Distance Family who become their nearby village—the people who celebrate milestones, lend a hand, and provide support when family can’t be there in person.
 
The FIFA World Cup has provided a wonderful reason for international friendships to reconnect. Our Chicago-based son travelled to Vancouver for a New Zealand match and met up with a Kiwi high school friend who now lives in London. While there, he also spent time with a Canadian friend who first came to New Zealand on a school trip at the age of 12. He is now a father of two, and I was delighted to hear him declare that the birthday cake I made for him all those years ago was a highlight!

More recently, our U.S.-based daughter celebrated a milestone birthday. We couldn’t be there in person, but we were grateful to join via livestream and offer a parent’s heartfelt thanks to the friends who make up her village. Their care, friendship and support mean more to us than they probably realise. A couple of weeks later, one of those families visited Auckland, and it was a real pleasure to spend an evening together. They are both our daughter’s local friends and our new Distance Friends.

​Distance Friends are a true blessing. For many expatriates and migrants, they become a substitute family—offering companionship, practical support and a sense of belonging when loved ones are many miles away. They remind us that while family may be distant, all generations of Distance Families are never meant to navigate life alone.

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BOOK SERIES NEWS

In Being a Distance Grandparent there’s a chapter called Final Big Picture Questions.
 
One of the questions is “I Am Still Grieving. How Do I Move On?” My response was:

​Distance Grandparenting is like a challenging jigsaw. The picture on the box looks daunting and you would rather put the puzzle back in the cupboard. Once the edge frame is done the remaining pieces still don’t look like they will ever make a finished picture but with time and perseverance each piece finds its place in the same way a routine and a place of acceptance of Distance Grandparenting begins to emerge for you. But please, PLEASE don’t knock the table in the meantime.
 
But maybe you’re still saying to yourself, I have read your book, absorbed everything you have had to say. I understand acceptance is the key… but I still feel pretty sad.

​I go on to quote Melissa Parks, an American Clinical and Health Psychologist who supports the globally mobile.

​There’s a big misconception that being kind to ourselves is the same as feeling sorry for ourselves, which is why I want to clarify the difference between self-compassion and self-pity [...] Self-pity tends to say “poor me,” self-compassion recognizes that life is hard for everyone. It allows us to feel less isolated when we’re going through a hard time […] I also want to clarify that self-compassion doesn’t mean invalidating how we’re feeling. Your pain is still important and deserving of validation and soothing. We don’t just push the hard moments ‘under the rug.’ However, we also don’t want to get overidentified with our emotional experience and caught up in the story. Instead, we acknowledge what we’re feeling with kindness and that tends to help us process and let go […] more quickly.”

​I finished the chapter with, “If your distance family situation is here to stay, make self-compassion, not self-pity your most loyal buddy.”
 
A few years down the track I am delighted to share that Melissa published her first book in June, A Compassionate Mess: A Therapist, Her Monsters, and a Journey to Self-Acceptance. Self-compassion, once again, is centre stage in her narrative.
 
Melissa invited me to be an advance reader. In my Amazon review, I noted, “It is a masterpiece of honesty and vulnerability. There are many valuable life lessons to be learned from Melissa’s journey – not just for expats. As one of the other reviewers said, “For anyone who has ever felt untethered, overwhelmed, or not enough”.  I highly recommend this book.

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ON THE HOME FRONT

​A new public holiday
 
Public holidays… what do you call them? Holidays? Bank holidays? Statutory holidays? Whatever the name, they all provide an opportunity to pause from our usual routines.

In recent years New Zealand has gained an additional public holiday in July--Matariki, the Māori New Year. Celebrated when the Matariki star cluster rises in the midwinter sky, it has quickly become a treasured occasion for many New Zealanders.
​
The themes of Matariki are particularly meaningful: remembering those who have passed away, giving thanks for what we have, gathering with family and friends, and looking forward with hope to the year ahead.

​As I reflected on Matariki this year, I couldn't help but think about Distance Families. Many of us are unable to gather physically with the people we love, especially on significant occasions. Yet Matariki reminds us that connection isn't defined by proximity. Whether we share a meal over a video call, send photos across time zones, light a candle in memory of a loved one, or simply pause to think of family members scattered around the globe, we are nurturing those important bonds.
 
Perhaps that's one of the gifts of Matariki. It encourages us to slow down, reflect on where we've come from, appreciate those who enrich our lives today, and intentionally strengthen the relationships we want to carry into the future.

"Celebrating Matariki - Māori New Year" by Geoff J Mckay is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

​Distance may separate us geographically, but traditions, memories and shared moments continue to bring families together.

​Lastly, this is my photo of the month. We’re blessed to live in a position surrounded by nature. When I looked outside and saw this sight, I had to grab my camera.

​The White-faced heron is actually a relatively recent arrival in New Zealand. It naturally spread across the Tasman Sea from Australia during the 20th century and is now common throughout both the North and South Islands. They're adaptable birds and can be found around estuaries, rivers, farm paddocks, lakes, harbours and even golf courses after rain!

Take care until next time
Helen Ellis
 
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