November Newsletter

Welcome to the newsletter from Distance Families

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

In-country family: Treat them like gold
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I've often emphasised the importance of the in-country family — the siblings who stayed behind when others moved overseas. When distance parents or grandparents grow older and need more support, these devoted in-country family members truly shine. They become a lifeline not only for their parents but also for their distance siblings.
 
A well-functioning distance family is not a two-sided relationship. It has three sides, and the in-country sibling (or siblings) forms that crucial third side of the family triangle. Their presence helps reduce uncertainty and keeps everyone connected.

​Local siblings never asked for their unequal share of

​responsibility, and over time, resentment can build as they care for ageing parents. From a distance parents’ perspective, it’s vital to remain quietly aware of these underlying family dynamics. Distance parents often find themselves as the “piggy in the middle,” but it’s still their responsibility to ensure their in-country children never feel taken for granted. It helps enormously if they know that you know they carry the greater caregiving burden — and that you are deeply grateful for all they do.
 
My advice to distance sons and daughters, from the very first day a decision is made to emigrate or work overseas (whether temporarily or permanently), is this: treat your in-country family like gold. They have a profound influence on what distance grandparenting feels like for your parents — and on what it means to be a distance son or daughter yourself.

In Being a Distance Son or Daughter – A Book for All Generations, I write about coping with sick and dying parents from afar — without a doubt, the toughest part of being a distance son or daughter.

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BOOK SERIES NEWS

October was all about manuscript editing and proofreading for Being a Distance Grandchild. Each day would end with emails and attachments flying back and forth across the world between my UK-based editor and proofreader and me.

It’s a painstaking and often numbing process — but essential. Writing a book is the straightforward part. Reading a hard copy out loud, shaping it, editing, and proofreading are all part of a meticulous, multi-layered journey. And such a valuable one.
 
I’m thrilled to report that the job is now DONE — and it feels fantastic! The manuscript has moved on to my book designer, who will lay out the pages, insert photographs, and ensure everything looks consistent and polished. 

​Fortunately, some decisions are easy this time around. We’re following the successful, reader-friendly layout of my previous books, so choices like fonts and overall style are already settled.
 
Don’t forget — you can enter the draw to win a free, autographed advance paperback edition of Being a Distance Grandparent, posted anywhere in the world! Click here to register. The draw closes on 30 November.
 
All going well, next month you’ll be able to pre-order your copy

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ON THE HOME FRONT

​“Some family members adapt to geographical separation more easily than others. I’ve met grandparents who are heartbroken when their family moves two hours away, while others respond with calm acceptance – even when their loved one is thrilled to have secured citizenship in a new country.
 
“These are vastly different reactions, but in both cases, the way each family member interprets and responds to the change plays a major role in how well the family navigates it. As [global mobility scholar] Professor Loretta Baldassar points out, it’s not always about the actual distance. What matters more is how family members perceive the quality of their relationships, and what that physical separation means to them. The inner workings of a family – its dynamics, communication style, and emotional resilience – can’t be overlooked, especially when globalisation becomes part of the These are vastly different reactions.” (extract from Being a Distance Grandchild)
 
October brought such a citizenship milestone for us and we’re overjoyed. Our American-based daughter acquired her U.S. citizenship. When one first secures a 

​Green Card it feels like such an achievement but it’s not long before the security of citizenship is what you crave. There were 120 people from 43 countries at her ceremony. She was the only New Zealander.
 
Our daughter commented: “The clerk who gave a set of remarks, herself naturalized 20 years ago, said "Being a citizen is about being there in a nation’s best and worst days. Sitting in this room today, this is America at its finest. America is not a great nation because of its government, wealth, or military. Its great because of its people. And it’s now your task, too, to be part of the solution. You also don’t have to let go of where you come from. We are stronger because of the cultures and perspectives you bring with you. You get to be part of the story now. And the story is richer and better because you’re in it.”
 
It was a Red Letter Day for our Distance Family and we’re grateful for the members of her local “village” who came and supported her.

Take care until next time
Helen Ellis

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