DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

Well-received articles this month include a super useful guide to tipping in the U.S. I was chuffed to achieve close to 100% when I did the online quiz – confirmation I have mainly been doing things right on our U.S. visits - phew. Additionally, here is a wonderful global restaurant tipping guide courtesy of global thinker and author @DavidLivermore. ​ Another great article is titled, Ways to Share Your Family History with Your Grandkid. The author, Elaine McAllister noted, "It’s a sobering thought, but family stories are generally lost within three generations unless they are preserved in writing or by some other means."

Are you an Instagram fan? Check out #Mayonthemove. It is a month-long, collaborative discussion by anyone and everyone about all things global living.  Scan the QR code for more info or follow @thefrustratednester.

BOOK SERIES NEWS

​Two years ago I proudly published the first book in the Distance Families Book Series. The subtitle of each book is ‘A Book for ALL Generations’. Empathy between generations, especially those separated by geography, is a powerful lubricant to a well-functioning, extended family. Click here for links to reviews and free chapters (audio & printed) of 'Being a Distance Grandparent. Read the book already? Reviews are so appreciate by would-be readers. I would love and appreciate your review. Here’s a link to  the various review platforms - thanks HE.

‘Being a Distance Grandchild’ is well and truly under construction. I have many Zoom interviews planned with Distance Grandchildren around the world. Like to know how things are going with this project? Regularly check here.

ON THE HOME FRONT

National public holidays and commemorative events bring generations together even when separated by geography. Downunder, in New Zealand and Australia, this always happens on the 25th of April (ANZAC Day) when soldiers from both countries are remembered. Let me introduce my 6-year-old Distance Grandchild. He lives in Atlanta, Georgia and speaks with a Southern drawl. He plays baseball and is American through and through. However, he is also half Kiwi and his Mum works hard to ensure he understands his New Zealand heritage and its culture. Here’s his commendable artistic NZ flag drawing effort at the recent Australia/New Zealand combined ANZAC Day event in Atlanta, Georgia. The Union Jack is a little oversized but the stars are coloured red… he knows the difference. At the event they played cricket and touch rugby, ate lamingtons & Anzac biscuits and on the way home the other lad said “I miss New Zealand”.

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

Photo credit: "Starbucks (closed until evening due to Ramadan)" by Studio Sarah Lou is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

For about 2 billion Muslims around the world – almost a quarter of humanity – it's Ramadan, the holiest period in the Islamic calendar. This year, the first day of Ramadan's sunrise-to-sunset fasting began at sunrise on Thursday, March 23, and lasts until the evening of Thursday, April 20 [..] if you're not Muslim, you might still not know exactly what to say (and not say) to Muslim friends                [,family], co-workers and colleagues during the month, whether they're fasting or not."  ​Eda Uzunlar

BOOK SERIES NEWS

​Copyright Licensing New Zealand’s Partnership Fund aims to partner with sector groups and individuals that are connecting to, or working with, diverse voices and communities on projects which align with their CLNZ Cultural Fund objectives. I am delighted to announce that my forthcoming book, Being a Distance Grandchild, has been awarded a grant. ​Thank you CLNZ for supporting the voices of New Zealand and global Distance Families.

ON THE HOME FRONT

​The feijoa fruit tree is native to Brazil, Uruguay, Paraguay and Argentina. According to Google they were brought to New Zealand in the 1920s where new varieties were developed. We have one very generous tree that’s exceedingly kind to us in March. ​Feijoas are one of the most vitamin C-rich foods you can eat. This is helpful with winter around the corner. You cut them in half and scoop out the flesh. Their taste is unique. In New Zealand people either loathe them or love them. We’re the latter – especially because they’re fresh and free. Each day hubby and I strengthen a few muscles crawling under the low hanging tree collecting yet another bowl full.

​A bonus extra of being a Distance Parent/Grandparent is the visiting friends our overseas children ask us to temporarily befriend, in some way or other. Years ago they were backpackers on a budget with vague and mysterious plans. These days our kids are older and their friends stay in hotels and have itineraries. In March we got to know an American colleague of our U.S. based daughter, and his lovely wife. We took them out for the day, gave them a bunch of travel planning advice which they said was invaluable and shared a meal together on their final night. When we gave them a very kiwi (chocolate) parting gift they immediately recognised the towns noted on the packaging where ingredients are sourced and chocolates named after. Our lives are richer for these encounters and next time our daughter and her colleague meet up they’ll have lots to talk about.

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

​Early in the month I was the guest speaker for a webinar hosted by The World Bank Group Family Network. The bank’s employees are truly global as they're despatched to all corners of the globe. 500 staff and/or partners registered for the event! That’s pretty daunting when the kick-off time in New Zealand is 7am.  ​I salute the #worldbankgroup and all other family-friendly, global employers who recognise that their staff, spouses and children are more than just employees, partners and off-spring. Every minute of every day they are also Distance Daughters, Distance Sons, Distance Grandchildren and more. These roles never leave their being, no matter where they live and hugely affect the success and personal happiness of their global career assignments.

Last month I shared that I had won the ‘Super Gran’ award over the holidays. ​Well this month I've acquired another title, a Granfluencer... bestowed upon me by the awesome team at #Peekabond. You may read more here. Be sure to check out their terrific intergenerational communication app. Click on the logo below.

BOOK SERIES NEWS

Last month I wrote about kicking off my research and writing the third book in the Distance Families Book Series, 'Being a Distance Grandchild - a Book for ALL Generations'. Here is a picture of just some of my research after a big sort out on the kitchen counter. And there is lots more where it came from. It's all about families (distance and close), grandchildren, grandparenting... sadly not one single article is about 'how it is' being a distance grandchild. I have noted in the book's draft... "When I did my masters and wrote Being a Distance Grandparent I found a sprinkling of academic commentary discussing the nature of distance grandparent’s relationships with their geographically separated grandchildren. In reverse, no formal scholarship exists from the grandchild’s perspective. To the best of my knowledge this book is breaking new ground."

ON THE HOME FRONT

February has been a month to remember. New Zealand was hammered with further unimaginable weather bombs. Many parts of the North Island, some as close as 40 minutes away from me are devastated beyond all imagination and may never be occupied again, due to slips and destroyed roads. ​We remain ever grateful our house has survived. Our only incident was trying to stake our seriously leaning, curb side tree with a length of old hose in 100+ km winds. It will be a case of ‘wait and see’ if the tree survives over the next few months.

​As our U.S. distance family has settled back into their routines after visiting NZ it was lovely to catch up on Facetime the other day to see our grandsons playing a newly purchased game of Ludo. We found the boardgame in a cupboard at a holiday house we stayed at during New Year. The boys had never played it before so there was a learning curve and some upset when one or other couldn’t roll a 6 to start. It was terrific to see they had moved on from their early Ludo emotional encounters and now play with resilience and acceptance. Our distance family in-person connections are fleeting but you never know what they are learning and taking home with them.

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

BOOK SERIES NEWS

Researching and writing the third book of the Distance Families Book Series, Being a Distance Grandchild – a Book for ALL Generations is on the agenda for 2023. I will publish it is 2024. Right now ‘the book’ is a ring binder of messy notes, many folders of formal research and a bunch of mainstream books I am in the middle of reading and others I need to read again... plus a whole lot of ideas constantly swirling around in my brain. Before I ever wrote a book, I naively imagined authors just sat down and wrote – and that was that. Sadly it’s not that simple for most of us. For me, writing a book is like putting a massive jigsaw together – one that has lost the cover with the picture. Random thoughts come from here and there and I am constantly thinking, “where did I write about that earlier?” Thank goodness for the Word search engine. My first books were each around 60,000 words. It’s not uncommon to find authors write 75,000-80,000 words before they finally tell themselves in a very loud voice, “stop”. That is me.  Just a reminder that you may listen to and read the following free chapters. Being a Distance Grandparent: listen to the Introduction narrated by me Being a Distance Son or Daughter: read the chapter, Unpacking Emotions

ON THE HOME FRONT

​A week ago, Auckland where I live, experienced a month's rain in just a few hours. The downpour had been forecasted but the volume took everyone by surprise. Elton John was performing and the concert was cancelled just 30 minutes prior to commencement - that's how much of a surprise it was. The heaviest rain... ever.  People died.   Auckland isn't a tidy symmetrical city with a ring road. It sits on extinct volcanoes with lots of hills and cliffs with a huge harbour on the easterly side heading out to the Pacific Ocean and another harbour on the westerly side to the Tasman Ocean. It's a messy city to manage in a disaster.   I can report we were safe. The photo on the right shows how high the water reached in our garden and created a swimming pool in our back yard. The photo on the left is typical of many parts of the city. I know two elderly ladies (80s & 90s) who live just 15 minutes away and experienced torrents of water in their retirement village villas. Life is going to be tough for them. Fortunately, they have near, ‘in-country’ family but everyone’s' lives have been thrown into disarray for months.

This is a stark wake up call for all distance family generations. Whether it is an unexpected illness, an accident, an ailing loved one or these days, a global warming weather disaster at home or abroad – geographical separation doesn’t always blend well. Questions are rightly get asked about whether one or other is living in the right place. Values are reassessed and for some, big tipping-point decisions regarding repatriation are on the table… and that’s okay. ​ ​On a lighter side the day after our family flew out we had a wonderful, retractable pergola installed in our garden. A welcome relief from the sun (when it decides to show itself). Of course it was supposed to be installed before our family arrived for Christmas, but thanks to endless shipping delays it never happened. We’ll all get to enjoy it another time. Finally, on our recent summer holiday I was encouraged (pushed!) to enter the Supergran Award at the holiday camp. I am delighted to advise I won. One for the CV.

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

​Christmas/New Year 2022/3 has created a ‘line in the sand’ for so many Distance Families. We were separated during the 2020/221 pandemic and finally, most families have been able to reunite, in at least one direction – mine included. During many airport visits it was hard to miss the ‘COVID babies’ snuggly enclosed in parental front packs, meeting their grandparents for the first time. Many a Love Actually scene unfolded nearby, making my eyes water.   Pent up emotions spilled over like the opening of a shaken beer can. Expectations of what the visits meant to all parties were high. What have we learned?

BOOK SERIES NEWS

The Distance Families Book Series is a perfect addition for public libraries… anywhere in the world.   I would love your support by spreading this message. Check out the Libraries page on my website. You are able to download an information sheet to pass to your favourite librarian. ​Please share success stories with me – especially with a photo. Thanks for your support here.

ON THE HOME FRONT

​And how do we feel? It was totally awesome to have all the family here and to finally enjoy the magic moments of hosting overseas grandkids in New Zealand. I even got to win the Super Grandmother competition at a holiday campsite. ​The visit was settling for our daughter who has no choice but to live in the U.S. and has worked very hard at making the States home. We're proud of the job she has done and we're each accepting of our different situations.   We're also happy to admit we're ready for a rest, get our house back to normal, and enjoy our regular quiet existence, until next time.   I'll finish with our daughter's final FB post...

​This month’s newsletter is a little late because I have been wearing my Distance Parent and Distance Grandparent hat. My U.S. son & daughter-in-law visited for 12 days and two days ago we put our daughter and two incredibly energetic, 'Ever-ready Battery' grandsons on the plane back to the U.S.   Three and a half weeks of rambunctious, noisy chaos, Lego everywhere, beautiful sunshine mixed in with a week of stuck-indoors, cyclone weather. Every day has been totally consumed with meal production, child-minding, laundry, entertainment, and Netflix when we're all a bit desperate.   A pile of linen is processing through the laundry, Christmas decorations are yet to be dismantled and there's a line of toys & kiddie furniture waiting at the bottom of the stairs to be carried up & stored in the loft.   In time we'll get to the sand-filled cars & car seats, borrowed bits n pieces and a house that is overdue for a deep clean from tip to toe.

That’s a wrap. My most important priority on this trip was for the boys to ‘fall in love with New Zealand’ (which included consuming something in the range of 60+ fruit mince pies per kid…).
 
I was explaining to friends the other day how I hoped to give the boys ‘a sense of their New Zealand identity’. Peter then piped up from the next room, “I think you gave us too much sense!” “How so?” I enquired, curious about his usage of the word ‘sense’. “Well, now we don’t wanna go home!” Just as well this is also your home, little lads of mine.

While there have been plenty of hiccups large and small, untold screen time, the disintegration of many habits and routines, plenty of banshee mummy moments and more rain than I would have liked, New Zealand has come alive for my boys - the place, the people, the tastes, sounds, smells, the culture(s). Can’t wait to bring these little Kimericans (as they’ve labeled themselves) back to Aotearoa.

And with that, wanna roll the credits on this epic adventure…
…Creative Director, Producer, and all-things-as-needed…Helen Ellis
…Fruit Cake and Ice Cream Overlord and Sommelier…Clive Ellis

Thank you for bearing with the utter chaos and even greater charm that are your two Kimerican grandsons with more energy than 10 Energizer bunnies. Enjoy the endless peace and quiet.
​
And if you’re looking for your sanity, it’s probably buried in the loose legos or in that teapot they kept playing with. No, I think it’s under the boogie boards. Good luck finding it in any case

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

BOOK SERIES NEWS

​Back in February I won the COVID-delayed, 2021 TEMI Awards Best Mobile Workforce Initiative for my work supporting Distance Families. My prize was a Ready Resilience ‘Neurohack Your Workday’ Signature Masterclass for myself and up to seven invited guests. In no time I’d gathered a lovely bunch of colleagues across New Zealand and Australia to share my prize. It was interesting to reflect that three years ago I didn’t know a soul in the global mobility world. A lot has changed since then.   The prize was gifted, and the session facilitated by global mobility veteran Wendy Jenkins. She is also a lung transplant recipient. In June Wendy was awarded a Medal of the Order of Australia (OAM) for her work supporting lung transplant patients. Her story is pretty mind blowing. She certainly knows how to handle stress.

​Looking for Christmas present ideas? What about the Distance Families book series? If you prefer to give paperbacks just a reminder you don’t have to post a copy around the world. You can easily order online in the country where your family member lives. If the likes of Amazon or Book Depository aren’t big in their part of the world click on my website’s SHOP page for  national specific outlets.

ON THE HOME FRONT

​It’s count down time here. In a week's time we’ll be at the airport, two (early!) mornings in a row to collect our U.S. based son, daughter-in-law and then daughter and two grandsons who are all visiting for Christmas. Our U.K. grandson who is currently living with us will temporarily move to his Aunt’s for three weeks to make room for the newest arrivals. A case of musical beds. When my adult children visit our shared programme is packed to the rafters. Thank goodness we’re all planners and aren’t offended when asked to contribute to a shared Google Drive spreadsheet. That might sound hell to some, but it works for us. When cars need to be shared, when the right foods need to be in the right refrigerator and knowing who has invited who to what… it all makes for a smoother time if some of this can be figured out in advance. That’s been quietly happening online over the last few weeks.

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

​Hello Helen, this was a really great and interesting talk and I think you hit the nail on the head saying that the biggest feeling the middle generation feels is guilt. That really hit home. I love your mission and think it's so, so important. Thanks for this!!

Later in October I facilitated the second FIGT ANZA online Author Panel. A handy place to find a diverse range of expat/global mobility books is the FIGT online bookstore. A one stop shop. Between the six authors, my co-chair partner and myself we plugged in from 7 time zones. When you're looking for a way to ensure your time zone calcuations are correct I can recommend worldtimebuddy. Thought provoking articles this month include one from BBC exposing native English speakers as the world’s worst communicators? Food for thought for sure. Relocation expert, Robyn Vogels offers practical advice to organisations who send families abroad. The mental health of the new employee, and the family needs to remain centre stage before, during and after a relocation.  ​Finally, here’s a super useful website to help us pack better.

BOOK SERIES NEWS

October saw Being a Distance Son or Daughter finally land in South Africa. The paperback edition can be ordered from Takealot and loot. The South African distance family narrative is unique. Some stories shared with me have been pretty heartbreaking.  ​Here is an explanation from Being a Distance Grandparent.

​"South Africa, where emigration is prolific, warrants special attention from the perspective of the left-behind Distance Parents and Distance Grandparents and their resulting kinlessness and uncertainty. The number of Distance Grandparents is high and it’s common for all of their children to have left the country. The impact of emigration and kinlessness has become a significant social problem.
South African Clinical Psychologist Maria Marchetti-Mercer, from the University of Johannesburg, is a specialist in emigration. She explains in a 'Family Process' article that the impact is ‘extensive’ and ‘multi-folded’ in South Africa. What’s more, frequently the departing family has been so busy organising their move they have spent little time preparing their folks for life without them. She goes on to explain the consequences: “Emigration is mostly experienced as a vast loss, almost akin to a death, bringing about significant changes in social networks.” Furthermore, to leave South Africa is considered to be abandoning the family and nation, both of which are of paramount cultural and moral importance, particularly for Afrikaners".

My books make terrific Christmas presents. A Distance Daughter once told me that when she gave a copy of Being a Distance Grandparent to her Dad there was a tear in his eye. It wasn't a tear of sadness, more one of joy and gratefulness. He knew his daughter understood 'how it was' for him, and they are in this Distance Familying thing together. ​ The following editions are available: Grandparent: Paperback, ebook and audio narrated by me Son/Daughter: Paperback and ebook Visit your favourite platform or I have listed them all on my website's SHOP page.

ON THE HOME FRONT

October found us putting on our Distance Grandparent hosting hats. Our 20 year old U.K. grandson arrived on our shores for a GAP year. He’s never been to New Zealand before so we of course had to take him on what's known locally as a ‘tiki tour’. He’s met many relatives for the first time and seen a fair bit of the North Island countryside. It’s very special to have him here and to help him get settled in NZ, find a job etc. ​We've played mini-golf on every visit to our U.K. family including rounds in France and Netherlands. Everyone wants to beat golfer-grandad and there's always a second round to try again. It's become a family tradition. So we had to have another go in Tauranga and guess who won... again?

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

​September 2022 will always be remembered as the month Queen Elizabeth II died. Many of us were surprised how much we were affected by her passing. My late Dad was born in the U.K. and I can carry a U.K. passport. Those of us from Commonwealth countries have a connection that is hard to describe to those outside of the Commonwealth. Her passing reminds us of a set of values and work ethnic we might never see again… in quite the same way. ​​For around 25 years I have managed to not mislay a Buckingham Palace ruler I bought on a past visit. I hope it hangs around my desk, despite its well-used appearance, for many years to come reminding me of everyone’s bonus extra Distance Grandmother.

BOOK SERIES NEWS

​Do you live in Tauranga, New Zealand and/or do you know an expat, migrant or distance grandparent who does? I will be at the Everything Books Fair on Saturday 8 October. I would love to chat with distance family members living in the Bay of Plenty.  Book Reviews ​​A line I frequently use is, “The answer’s ‘no’ unless you ask”. We all love to read book reviews. They can be so helpful. If you have read one or both of my books I would LOVE an online review… please. Here is a link to make it super easy. If you haven’t read a book yet, here is a shop link.

ON THE HOME FRONT

​The big news is that we presently have our 20 year old U.K. grandson staying with us. It’s his first visit to New Zealand so lots of new experiences and family to meet. We’re taking him on what we call in NZ a ‘tiki tour’… a road trip to see the country. After that he’ll be looking for a shared flat/apartment and a job in Auckland for a few months. It is lovely to have him here and reminisce about our many trips to the U.K. as he grew up. Still on the subject of visits, with the impending Christmas visit of our young U.S. grandsons I have planted strawberries. They seem to be doing pretty good. I hope the lads can pop out the back door each day and pick a few. ​

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

​Today, as I start writing this newsletter it’s the first day of Spring in the Southern Hemisphere and the first day of Autumn/Fall in the Northern Hemisphere. It is such a pivotal calendar point for Distance Families. ​Northern Hemisphere expats who have recently moved for new assignments are hunkering down and hoping their off-spring are coping okay at their new schools. While ‘downunder’, many of us have travelled north during the North Hemisphere summer and are coming out the other end of another Covid winter. We’re two thirds the way through the school year and hoping this coming summer will be something close to normal… whatever normal is.

Being a Distance Son or Daughter brings with it a unique set of emotions – every minute of every day you are geographically distanced from family. Few of the associated emotions are talked about over the kitchen table family visits. Here’s a free chapter titled ‘Unpacking Emotions’ from Being a Distance Son or Daughter

​Thank you so much for sharing this link. I found the chapter so helpful in validating the emotional highs and lows of distance families. (Distance Daughter)

​Now that many of us are ‘back home’ and riding out the next few months, until some will enjoy Christmas visits here is my own article about how to include family when they live abroad.

BOOK SERIES NEWS

​With Spring comes a sense that New Zealand is finally opening up again. Events that haven’t been on the calendar for 2+ years are finally being staged. That includes small events like public library talks and book fairs. If you live in Auckland or Tauranga please check out the upcoming, in-person events here. In the meantime Zoom is here to stay and this week I had the opportunity to talk with residents of Ryman Retirement Villages sharing thoughts about distance grandparenting. ​I also connected with Italian expat coach, Barbora Gemmelove. We filmed a talk that will be on the programme for her early October, third Language and Mental Wellbeing conference for expatriates. Do check this out. The line-up is excellent. ​

Have you heard of Bookshop.org? It is one of the great success stories of Covid. If you live in U.S.A., U.K. or Spain you may order a book online, have it delivered to your door and choose a local independent bookshop to receive the profit - keeping that income recycling in your neighborhood. What a wonderful initiative. I can’t wait for Bookshop.org to set up in New Zealand. Here is a terrific video explaining Bookshop.org's story and a link to my SHOP page where you’ll find easy links to purchase my books from Bookshop.org. ​

ON THE HOME FRONT

​Inside, we’re in preparation mode. Our U.K. grandson is coming to New Zealand for a GAP year and we’re looking forward to hosting him from time to time. And at Christmas two of our overseas adult children and two other grandchildren will be visiting. Rather than invest in a bunch of new furniture I love these lime green, fold-up mattresses I’ve acquired that will ‘do the trick’ for the six and eight year old. We videoed their room the other day and the boys loved seeing where they would stay.

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

​The headlines seem to be focused on travel chaos as families catch up after being stuck at home for the last two years. The Northern Hemisphere summer vacation traffic and airport worker strikes have further exacerbated the problem. I can’t help but ask the question, “Where have all the ground staff, flight attendants and pilots gone?” They were there two years ago. Have they all found new careers – clever them?

BOOK SERIES NEWS

​The book helped me understand how my parents may feel and how I, expat, may be able to support them. A helpful and special book that will resonate with many.

​Helen shares that she wants all generations to read her books, and I completely agree. As the distance daughter, I have learned so much. I have gleaned tips for how I will do things a little differently going forward. But most importantly I now have a deeper understanding of the experience my parents and in laws have had, I can now empathise with them and share the load a little.

ON THE HOME FRONT

​I was pleased I felt sufficiently recovered to venture out this past weekend and attend The NZ Society of Author’s Auckland Roadshow. I have been a member of this terrific organisation for over two years but thanks to the pandemic restrictions I've never been able to attend an in-person function. It was refreshing and stimulating to mix with other authors and learn from experts.