DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

​Christmas/New Year 2022/3 has created a ‘line in the sand’ for so many Distance Families. We were separated during the 2020/221 pandemic and finally, most families have been able to reunite, in at least one direction – mine included. During many airport visits it was hard to miss the ‘COVID babies’ snuggly enclosed in parental front packs, meeting their grandparents for the first time. Many a Love Actually scene unfolded nearby, making my eyes water.   Pent up emotions spilled over like the opening of a shaken beer can. Expectations of what the visits meant to all parties were high. What have we learned?

BOOK SERIES NEWS

The Distance Families Book Series is a perfect addition for public libraries… anywhere in the world.   I would love your support by spreading this message. Check out the Libraries page on my website. You are able to download an information sheet to pass to your favourite librarian. ​Please share success stories with me – especially with a photo. Thanks for your support here.

ON THE HOME FRONT

​And how do we feel? It was totally awesome to have all the family here and to finally enjoy the magic moments of hosting overseas grandkids in New Zealand. I even got to win the Super Grandmother competition at a holiday campsite. ​The visit was settling for our daughter who has no choice but to live in the U.S. and has worked very hard at making the States home. We're proud of the job she has done and we're each accepting of our different situations.   We're also happy to admit we're ready for a rest, get our house back to normal, and enjoy our regular quiet existence, until next time.   I'll finish with our daughter's final FB post...

​This month’s newsletter is a little late because I have been wearing my Distance Parent and Distance Grandparent hat. My U.S. son & daughter-in-law visited for 12 days and two days ago we put our daughter and two incredibly energetic, 'Ever-ready Battery' grandsons on the plane back to the U.S.   Three and a half weeks of rambunctious, noisy chaos, Lego everywhere, beautiful sunshine mixed in with a week of stuck-indoors, cyclone weather. Every day has been totally consumed with meal production, child-minding, laundry, entertainment, and Netflix when we're all a bit desperate.   A pile of linen is processing through the laundry, Christmas decorations are yet to be dismantled and there's a line of toys & kiddie furniture waiting at the bottom of the stairs to be carried up & stored in the loft.   In time we'll get to the sand-filled cars & car seats, borrowed bits n pieces and a house that is overdue for a deep clean from tip to toe.

That’s a wrap. My most important priority on this trip was for the boys to ‘fall in love with New Zealand’ (which included consuming something in the range of 60+ fruit mince pies per kid…).
 
I was explaining to friends the other day how I hoped to give the boys ‘a sense of their New Zealand identity’. Peter then piped up from the next room, “I think you gave us too much sense!” “How so?” I enquired, curious about his usage of the word ‘sense’. “Well, now we don’t wanna go home!” Just as well this is also your home, little lads of mine.

While there have been plenty of hiccups large and small, untold screen time, the disintegration of many habits and routines, plenty of banshee mummy moments and more rain than I would have liked, New Zealand has come alive for my boys - the place, the people, the tastes, sounds, smells, the culture(s). Can’t wait to bring these little Kimericans (as they’ve labeled themselves) back to Aotearoa.

And with that, wanna roll the credits on this epic adventure…
…Creative Director, Producer, and all-things-as-needed…Helen Ellis
…Fruit Cake and Ice Cream Overlord and Sommelier…Clive Ellis

Thank you for bearing with the utter chaos and even greater charm that are your two Kimerican grandsons with more energy than 10 Energizer bunnies. Enjoy the endless peace and quiet.
​
And if you’re looking for your sanity, it’s probably buried in the loose legos or in that teapot they kept playing with. No, I think it’s under the boogie boards. Good luck finding it in any case

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

BOOK SERIES NEWS

​Back in February I won the COVID-delayed, 2021 TEMI Awards Best Mobile Workforce Initiative for my work supporting Distance Families. My prize was a Ready Resilience ‘Neurohack Your Workday’ Signature Masterclass for myself and up to seven invited guests. In no time I’d gathered a lovely bunch of colleagues across New Zealand and Australia to share my prize. It was interesting to reflect that three years ago I didn’t know a soul in the global mobility world. A lot has changed since then.   The prize was gifted, and the session facilitated by global mobility veteran Wendy Jenkins. She is also a lung transplant recipient. In June Wendy was awarded a Medal of the Order of Australia (OAM) for her work supporting lung transplant patients. Her story is pretty mind blowing. She certainly knows how to handle stress.

​Looking for Christmas present ideas? What about the Distance Families book series? If you prefer to give paperbacks just a reminder you don’t have to post a copy around the world. You can easily order online in the country where your family member lives. If the likes of Amazon or Book Depository aren’t big in their part of the world click on my website’s SHOP page for  national specific outlets.

ON THE HOME FRONT

​It’s count down time here. In a week's time we’ll be at the airport, two (early!) mornings in a row to collect our U.S. based son, daughter-in-law and then daughter and two grandsons who are all visiting for Christmas. Our U.K. grandson who is currently living with us will temporarily move to his Aunt’s for three weeks to make room for the newest arrivals. A case of musical beds. When my adult children visit our shared programme is packed to the rafters. Thank goodness we’re all planners and aren’t offended when asked to contribute to a shared Google Drive spreadsheet. That might sound hell to some, but it works for us. When cars need to be shared, when the right foods need to be in the right refrigerator and knowing who has invited who to what… it all makes for a smoother time if some of this can be figured out in advance. That’s been quietly happening online over the last few weeks.

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

​Hello Helen, this was a really great and interesting talk and I think you hit the nail on the head saying that the biggest feeling the middle generation feels is guilt. That really hit home. I love your mission and think it's so, so important. Thanks for this!!

Later in October I facilitated the second FIGT ANZA online Author Panel. A handy place to find a diverse range of expat/global mobility books is the FIGT online bookstore. A one stop shop. Between the six authors, my co-chair partner and myself we plugged in from 7 time zones. When you're looking for a way to ensure your time zone calcuations are correct I can recommend worldtimebuddy. Thought provoking articles this month include one from BBC exposing native English speakers as the world’s worst communicators? Food for thought for sure. Relocation expert, Robyn Vogels offers practical advice to organisations who send families abroad. The mental health of the new employee, and the family needs to remain centre stage before, during and after a relocation.  ​Finally, here’s a super useful website to help us pack better.

BOOK SERIES NEWS

October saw Being a Distance Son or Daughter finally land in South Africa. The paperback edition can be ordered from Takealot and loot. The South African distance family narrative is unique. Some stories shared with me have been pretty heartbreaking.  ​Here is an explanation from Being a Distance Grandparent.

​"South Africa, where emigration is prolific, warrants special attention from the perspective of the left-behind Distance Parents and Distance Grandparents and their resulting kinlessness and uncertainty. The number of Distance Grandparents is high and it’s common for all of their children to have left the country. The impact of emigration and kinlessness has become a significant social problem.
South African Clinical Psychologist Maria Marchetti-Mercer, from the University of Johannesburg, is a specialist in emigration. She explains in a 'Family Process' article that the impact is ‘extensive’ and ‘multi-folded’ in South Africa. What’s more, frequently the departing family has been so busy organising their move they have spent little time preparing their folks for life without them. She goes on to explain the consequences: “Emigration is mostly experienced as a vast loss, almost akin to a death, bringing about significant changes in social networks.” Furthermore, to leave South Africa is considered to be abandoning the family and nation, both of which are of paramount cultural and moral importance, particularly for Afrikaners".

My books make terrific Christmas presents. A Distance Daughter once told me that when she gave a copy of Being a Distance Grandparent to her Dad there was a tear in his eye. It wasn't a tear of sadness, more one of joy and gratefulness. He knew his daughter understood 'how it was' for him, and they are in this Distance Familying thing together. ​ The following editions are available: Grandparent: Paperback, ebook and audio narrated by me Son/Daughter: Paperback and ebook Visit your favourite platform or I have listed them all on my website's SHOP page.

ON THE HOME FRONT

October found us putting on our Distance Grandparent hosting hats. Our 20 year old U.K. grandson arrived on our shores for a GAP year. He’s never been to New Zealand before so we of course had to take him on what's known locally as a ‘tiki tour’. He’s met many relatives for the first time and seen a fair bit of the North Island countryside. It’s very special to have him here and to help him get settled in NZ, find a job etc. ​We've played mini-golf on every visit to our U.K. family including rounds in France and Netherlands. Everyone wants to beat golfer-grandad and there's always a second round to try again. It's become a family tradition. So we had to have another go in Tauranga and guess who won... again?

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

​September 2022 will always be remembered as the month Queen Elizabeth II died. Many of us were surprised how much we were affected by her passing. My late Dad was born in the U.K. and I can carry a U.K. passport. Those of us from Commonwealth countries have a connection that is hard to describe to those outside of the Commonwealth. Her passing reminds us of a set of values and work ethnic we might never see again… in quite the same way. ​​For around 25 years I have managed to not mislay a Buckingham Palace ruler I bought on a past visit. I hope it hangs around my desk, despite its well-used appearance, for many years to come reminding me of everyone’s bonus extra Distance Grandmother.

BOOK SERIES NEWS

​Do you live in Tauranga, New Zealand and/or do you know an expat, migrant or distance grandparent who does? I will be at the Everything Books Fair on Saturday 8 October. I would love to chat with distance family members living in the Bay of Plenty.  Book Reviews ​​A line I frequently use is, “The answer’s ‘no’ unless you ask”. We all love to read book reviews. They can be so helpful. If you have read one or both of my books I would LOVE an online review… please. Here is a link to make it super easy. If you haven’t read a book yet, here is a shop link.

ON THE HOME FRONT

​The big news is that we presently have our 20 year old U.K. grandson staying with us. It’s his first visit to New Zealand so lots of new experiences and family to meet. We’re taking him on what we call in NZ a ‘tiki tour’… a road trip to see the country. After that he’ll be looking for a shared flat/apartment and a job in Auckland for a few months. It is lovely to have him here and reminisce about our many trips to the U.K. as he grew up. Still on the subject of visits, with the impending Christmas visit of our young U.S. grandsons I have planted strawberries. They seem to be doing pretty good. I hope the lads can pop out the back door each day and pick a few. ​

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

​Today, as I start writing this newsletter it’s the first day of Spring in the Southern Hemisphere and the first day of Autumn/Fall in the Northern Hemisphere. It is such a pivotal calendar point for Distance Families. ​Northern Hemisphere expats who have recently moved for new assignments are hunkering down and hoping their off-spring are coping okay at their new schools. While ‘downunder’, many of us have travelled north during the North Hemisphere summer and are coming out the other end of another Covid winter. We’re two thirds the way through the school year and hoping this coming summer will be something close to normal… whatever normal is.

Being a Distance Son or Daughter brings with it a unique set of emotions – every minute of every day you are geographically distanced from family. Few of the associated emotions are talked about over the kitchen table family visits. Here’s a free chapter titled ‘Unpacking Emotions’ from Being a Distance Son or Daughter

​Thank you so much for sharing this link. I found the chapter so helpful in validating the emotional highs and lows of distance families. (Distance Daughter)

​Now that many of us are ‘back home’ and riding out the next few months, until some will enjoy Christmas visits here is my own article about how to include family when they live abroad.

BOOK SERIES NEWS

​With Spring comes a sense that New Zealand is finally opening up again. Events that haven’t been on the calendar for 2+ years are finally being staged. That includes small events like public library talks and book fairs. If you live in Auckland or Tauranga please check out the upcoming, in-person events here. In the meantime Zoom is here to stay and this week I had the opportunity to talk with residents of Ryman Retirement Villages sharing thoughts about distance grandparenting. ​I also connected with Italian expat coach, Barbora Gemmelove. We filmed a talk that will be on the programme for her early October, third Language and Mental Wellbeing conference for expatriates. Do check this out. The line-up is excellent. ​

Have you heard of Bookshop.org? It is one of the great success stories of Covid. If you live in U.S.A., U.K. or Spain you may order a book online, have it delivered to your door and choose a local independent bookshop to receive the profit - keeping that income recycling in your neighborhood. What a wonderful initiative. I can’t wait for Bookshop.org to set up in New Zealand. Here is a terrific video explaining Bookshop.org's story and a link to my SHOP page where you’ll find easy links to purchase my books from Bookshop.org. ​

ON THE HOME FRONT

​Inside, we’re in preparation mode. Our U.K. grandson is coming to New Zealand for a GAP year and we’re looking forward to hosting him from time to time. And at Christmas two of our overseas adult children and two other grandchildren will be visiting. Rather than invest in a bunch of new furniture I love these lime green, fold-up mattresses I’ve acquired that will ‘do the trick’ for the six and eight year old. We videoed their room the other day and the boys loved seeing where they would stay.

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

​The headlines seem to be focused on travel chaos as families catch up after being stuck at home for the last two years. The Northern Hemisphere summer vacation traffic and airport worker strikes have further exacerbated the problem. I can’t help but ask the question, “Where have all the ground staff, flight attendants and pilots gone?” They were there two years ago. Have they all found new careers – clever them?

BOOK SERIES NEWS

​The book helped me understand how my parents may feel and how I, expat, may be able to support them. A helpful and special book that will resonate with many.

​Helen shares that she wants all generations to read her books, and I completely agree. As the distance daughter, I have learned so much. I have gleaned tips for how I will do things a little differently going forward. But most importantly I now have a deeper understanding of the experience my parents and in laws have had, I can now empathise with them and share the load a little.

ON THE HOME FRONT

​I was pleased I felt sufficiently recovered to venture out this past weekend and attend The NZ Society of Author’s Auckland Roadshow. I have been a member of this terrific organisation for over two years but thanks to the pandemic restrictions I've never been able to attend an in-person function. It was refreshing and stimulating to mix with other authors and learn from experts.

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

​It is heart-warming to know so many distance families are on the move. ​Air New Zealand is currently relaunching 14 international routes in 16 days. They say it is much easier to close an airline down than reopen it, so this is a huge achievement. Still on the subject of Air New Zealand in an article discussing the variation in mask use around the world. I loved the line, “Covid isn’t going to be absent from your trip completely… Air NZ doesn’t sell trips to 2019.” So true.

On a cheerier note I loved this article shared by multilingual expert Ute Limach-Riebold about how laughter is expressed around the world. It was a revelation and good to know if your family is multicultural. And talking about all things multi-cultural, here is a list of the best 25 books on the topic.

BOOK SERIES NEWS

​Here at last… Being a Distance Son or Daughter. Today the e-book and paperback are available globally. If you are an expat or migrant, do you occasionally struggle navigating relationships with home? Likewise, if you’re one of the folks back home, are there times you don’t fully ‘get’ your scattered family? ​ Being a Distance Son or Daughter will gently connect the dots for all generations. Gems, hints and tips are available for the taking.

ON THE HOME FRONT

June Newsletter

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

I enjoyed this The Atlantic article about making families work. If you have a subscription it is worth a read. The key message is that “imperfect people can still enjoy a satisfying and healthy bond”. Books are one of our family’s ‘currencies’. Here the author reminds us of the importance of reading and giving book

Global mobility can be littered with challenges so I was proud and delighted to see an article pop up on LinkedIn by an extended family member. His family are digital nomads and when one location really wasn’t working, they packed up and found somewhere different. There’s another expat sibling in this family and combined they’ve lived in several countries. The New Zealand distance grandmother (my sister-in-law) is very accepting – a great place to be.

BOOK SERIES NEWS

I am very proud to announce that Being a Distance Son or Daughter – a Book for ALL Generations, the second book in the Distance Families series is published.  You may order your copy NOW: New Zealand: The paperback edition is available now. Full details here. ​ Global: E-book paperback available for pre-order now, for delivery after 7/7/22.

“I have been a global citizen for much longer than was a stationary citizen.  Not fully belonging anywhere is a feeling I am comfortable with, and even crave if I stay too long in any one place. My husband and children understand this feeling, even if they experience it somewhat differently.  My family and oldest friends love telling stories about my newest location but really know very little about my experiences. It has always been this way.  Until I read Helen´s book, I was unaware that the way I felt and bumbled through my oldest relationships was common to serial expats.  This book provided insight into how others have found solutions to navigate distant relationships in a way that can be mutually satisfying.  As my own adult children start to scatter around the globe, I have the advantage of being able to experience their joy secondhand, combined with new knowledge on managing our future distant relationships.  What an excellent life resource!”

ON THE HOME FRONT

In the past year I have done numerous online podcasts and webinars. Every in-person author event has been cancelled - thanks to COVID and New Zealand's strict policies. However, in Chicago, and thanks to the energetic Linda Mueller from @theexpatpartnercoach I finally got to meet readers in person, at a local library event. A bonus extra was meeting a fellow author, Margaret Ghielmetti, who has written an engaging expat memoir, Brave(ish), I can highly recommend. What a joy and privilege to meet in-person. Here is what Linda had to say about Being a Distance Son or Daughter.

The end of May saw us finally boarding a plane to visit our U.S. Distance Family - our first visit in 3.5 years. It felt a tad scary trying to keep out of circulation before we left - there was a lot at stake. When we were presented with negative COVID test results, the morning of our departure, we could finally get excited. We're now in Chicago and soon move on to Florida to vacation with our family and finally hug our grandsons.

​I had the privilege of reading an advance copy of Helen's latest book "Being a Distance Son or Daughter" and I highly recommend it. Helen's research, resources, and vulnerable insight have me both patting myself on the back for the things I've done well AND considering ways that I can improve how I distance family. It's truly a book for 'ALL' generations.

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

​It feels like everyone is travelling. Most people I talk to are either heading somewhere themselves, or having visitors fly in.   Flights in and out of New Zealand are frequently fully booked. Bookings are dominated by what the travel industry refers to as the VFR market (visiting friends and relatives) - that's us -  Distance Families.

BOOK SERIES NEWS

April delivered the first birthday for Being a Distance Grandparent. Where has the last 12 months gone? What a journey it has been. Writing my first book will always go down as a milestone achievement but more importantly are all the people (all generations) who have been affected by it. Their comments are so gratifying. “I wish I had read this book before our first translocation. This book is a well-structured, informative and knowledge-based read about distance grandparenting. Throughout the book Helen offers a broad range of perspectives as a New Zealander distance grandparent, which gives a very authentic yet disciplinary approach to the understanding of the topic. With her honesty and personal voice the book becomes a very enjoyable easy read. It is a must-read for each member of a distance family, a book you should read over and over again.” ​ Judit Végh Intercultural Psychology Expert www.refocusinternational.com

The manuscript for Being a Distance Son or Daughter is DONE and right now much beavering is going on behind the scenes producing what the book industry calls the 'internal file'. It is all about 'copy and pasting' 60,000 words from a plain WORD file into a special programme that lays it out, page by page for both the paperback and e-book editions. There's lots to think about. What font, how to display headings, topics and even where to put the page numbers. Can't believe how I have taken these details for granted any time I pick up a book. As my books form a series you'll find all these little details are consistent from one edition to the next.  If you've read the Grandparent book you'll be right at home in the Son/Daughter book. By the end of May New Zealanders will be able to order a paperback edition. For the rest of the world pre-ordering for both the e-book and paperback will be possible in a few weeks with the publishing date set for 7/7/22.

ON THE HOME FRONT

We've had to say goodbye to our U.K. son who has been visiting for 5 weeks. He caught up with many friends and family and it's been lovely having our spare bedroom finally occupied. Life feelings like it is returning to some version of a new normal. Now it is countdown to our U.S. visit to see family. The To Do list is written and I am one of those people who revels in crossing each item off. I even confess to having an Excel Packing Chart I print each time we're heading away!  Take care until next time ​Helen Ellis

DISTANCE FAMILIES NEWS

In March I attended the FIGT 2022 Virtual Conference. Who and what is FIGT?  "Families in Global Transition is a welcoming forum for globally mobile individuals, families, and those working with them. We promote cross-sector connections for sharing research and developing best practices that support the growth, success and well-being of people crossing cultures around the world." The conference theme was, 'Where do we go from here?' With over 75 presenters the weekend was filled with rich commentary about so many aspects of expat/migrant and Third Culture Kid/Adult culture. FIGT is run by volunteers from all around the world. My contribution was helping to set up a Virtual Bookstore (see laptop photo accompanied by a delicious pastéis de nata - Portuguese custard tart). Attendees were able to enter the room, live-chat with authors and others - the miracles of modern technology. FIGT does an absolutely superb job to support the globally mobile. If this is interests you I recommend checking out FIGT.

BOOK SERIES NEWS

The second book of the Distance Families series, 'Being a Distance Son or Daughter - a Book for ALL Generations' is a whisker away from transitioning from a large Word document via some book design software and on to Amazon etc. I am very proud of this book and can't wait to share it with ALL generations of Distance Families. Check out the reviews - I'm delighted with the feedback. The global launch date will be 7/7/22. Why did I pick that date? It works in America where they reverse the day and month and the rest of the world. Pre-order your copy (paperback or e-book) in May. More details to come.

ON THE HOME FRONT

A three year break from seeing our Distance Family was broken in March when my stepson arrived from the U.K. for a visit and he is still here now. We'll never again take opportunities to connect with family from afar for granted. But it didn't stop there...

At the beginning of April we hosted an out-of-town birthday party for my husband. A large bunch of friends and family travelled for the occasion. We had a surprise guest: our U.S. based daughter Lucy arrived that morning and walked in the door. She was able to stay for just two nights. What an incredible evening & 48 hours - I'll never forget it. My face tells it all. ​